Borderlands Collection
by Foryewhoartliterate
Summary: A random assortment of Borderlands oneshots, featuring a wide variety of characters, genres, and pairings. Including humour, adventure, romance, and goodness knows what else. Enjoy!
1. Vault Hunters and Rakkale

Hi there! This is not my first fanfiction but it is the first one that I'm putting up online. In other words this is the first time more than just WhimsicalMayhem will read this.

This is going to be a collection of oneshots. And trust me, there are a lot of them. So expect quite a few updates.

Oh, and I don't own Borderlands.

Anyway on to the actually fic. Enjoy!

Vault Hunters and Rakkale

Vault Hunters and alcohol do not mix well.

Axton and Maya sat together at a booth in Moxxi's Bar, they had been drinking for quite a while and, at this point in their night, both would miserably (and probably humorously) fail a sobriety test. So, it's not really any surprise that the two had long ago stopped any sort of normal conversation, and had fallen into playing childish games like "Would You Rather?" or "Truth or Dare". At the moment they were playing the latter and currently it was was Maya's turn.

"Truth or dare?" Maya asked the drunken commando across from her.

He thought for a moment before picking. "Truth" he said.

"Pffft. You're no fun." She said in an almost whine.

"Look, I'm drunk, but I'm not nearly drunk enough to do whatever stupid thing you're going to come up with." He responded.

"Fair enough." She said quietly. "In that case... Uhmm..." She took a long pause to think of a decent question. "What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?" She said finally thinking of a question.

"The dumbest thing I've ever done?" He thought for a moment. "We'll... This one time I tried to take off Zer0's helmet."

"How'd that work out?" She asked.

"Let's just say decapitation isn't the most fun way to die." He said as Maya laughed.

"Alright my turn now. Truth or dare?" He said taking a swig from his bottle of rakkale.

"Dare" she said quickly. "Unlike you I like to actually have fun."

"Alright then I dare you..." Axton looked around the bar to find an appropriate dare. Then the sight of someone seated at the far end of the bar gave him an idea.

"I dare you, to go kiss Lilith." He said pointing toward the end of the bar where the other Siren was seated.

Maya almost choked on her drink when she heard him.

"You want me to do what?!" She blurted out.

"You heard me. I dare you to kiss Lilith." He said grinning.

"B-b-but I..."

"But what?"

Maya looked at the commando, looked over at Lilith, and then back at Axton. It was then that a mix of alcohol and pride kicked in.

"Fine," she said. "I'll do it." She took a swig of her rakkale, stood up, and walked towards Lilith, while Axton sat watching intently.

Maya soon found herself right next to the other Siren. She tapped the red head on the shoulder to get her attention. Lilith looked up from her drink and smiled at Maya.

"Hey Maya, what's up?"

"Hey..." Maya said awkwardly. "Uhmm... Look this is gonna be kinda weird,...but I'll explain later... When I'm a little more sober."

Lilith gave a confused look and started to ask her what she was talking about. Then Maya grabbed Lilith by the collar and forced her lips onto Lilith's.

After three of the longest seconds of Maya's life she pulled away, leaving an even more confused look on Lilith's face and leaving herself blushing.

"So yeah... I'll explain when I'm sober." She then began to walk away but Lilith stopped her. The Siren grabbed ahold of Maya and then did something that no one saw coming; Lilith pulled Maya back and into another kiss. When she let go it was Maya's turn to be surprised.

"I... Uhmm... That was..."

"Yeah..." Lilith said.

The two stood in an awkward silence for a few seconds while both of them tried to find something to say. It took awhile, but Lilith finally said something to break the silence.

"Want to do it again?"

Maya nodded and the two pressed their lips to each other again.

And it was then, that the rest of Sanctuary's Vault Hunter's happened to walked in to the bar. And there was Maya and Lilith engaged in a very passionate kiss, while a very confused Axton sat in the corner staring at them while mouthing the words "What the fuck?".

Gaige looked at her fellow Vault Hunters to see their reactions to the overall strangeness of the whole thing. Zer0's helmet displayed a smiley emote, Salvador grudgingly handed Mordecai a large wad of cash mumbling something about a lost bet, and Brick looked at the whole thing with a strange interest.

Then Gaige coughed loudly to try an get their attention, and all three of the other Vault Hunters looked at the new group.

"Did we miss something?" She asked innocently.

Axton pushed his way past her as he walked out of the bar, finally giving up trying to figure out what was going on. "I was here and I don't even know what happened." He mumbled as he pushed his way through.

"So uhmm... What happened then?" Gaige asked the two Sirens, who were now both blushing strongly.

"Well," Maya started "Axton and I were playing Truth or Dare and he dared me to kiss Lilith."

"Wait a second." Salvador spoke up. "So you're not a closet lesbian?" He immediately turned around to Mordecai and said "Give me my money back amigo."

"You guys seriously bet in whether or not Maya was gay?" Gaige asked surprised.

"We bet on a lot of things." Mordecai answered.

"Ok, whatever," Gaige said deciding to worry about it later. "but if it was just a dare why did Axton just say he had no idea what was going on?" She asked Maya.

"Well, Lilith... She kissed me back."

"She did what?" Brick spoke up.

"You heard her Brick." Lilith said.

"Yeah I heard her but... I thought you were... You know..."

"Guess you were wrong." She said.

At was at this point that Salvador cursed and again handed a wad of cash to a smiling Mordecai.

"Really Mordy?" Lilith asked. "You bet against me being straight?"

"Yep." He said with a grin. "And it's paying off too."

"Ok, you know what?" Gaige spoke up. "I'm no longer interested in whatever they were doing." She said pointing in the general direction of the two Sirens. "I just want to know what else you two bet on."

"I'm a little interested too." Brick chimed in.

"Same here." Said Lilith.

"Oh, you know... Stuff..." Mordecai said.

"Yeah... Uhhh... Stuff." Salvador echoed.

"Be a little more specific." Lilith said.

"Well..." Mordecai seemed to pause to think. "You know stuff like how long you guys will last in a gunfight..."

"I'm not buying it." Lilith said.

"Me neither." Gaige added. "Keep going."

"Well, obviously we bet on the sexuality of you guys..."

"Obviously." Maya said.

"And you know stuff like... What species Zer0 actually is, how long Brick would cry if his new dog died, whether or not Gaige is a virgin, Moxxi's actual age, you know that sort of stuff." He said as quickly and inaudibly as possible.

"What?!" Every other Vault Hunter and Moxxi said in unison.

"Yeah uhh... I'm gonna go now..." Mordecai said and then bolted for the door.

"Wait for me amigo!" Salvador shouted, running as fast as his little legs could move him.

The Vault Hunters stood in silence for a moment before Moxxi spoke up.

"So are you gonna follow them?"

"Yeah."

"Yep."

"Mhhm."

"Definitely."

"Well, let me come with you." Moxxi said moving out from behind the bar. "I have to see this."

The Vault Hunters then proceeded to go after Mordecai and Salvador, who had already made it to the Fast Travel Station and escaped to The Dust.

Most of the Vault Hunters, and Moxxi, had already made it through leaving Maya and Gaige, who were just getting ready to go.

"So Gaige, I'm curious. Are you actually a virgin?"

Gaige's face turned a couple shades redder before she spoke.

"Mordecai you are so fucking dead when I catch up to you."

Fin

So I hope you enjoyed it.


	2. More Drunken Vault Hunters

So here's the first update. Thank you for the three people that are now following me. That's literally three more people than I thought would (and after only one night too!). So like I said this is the first update, they should come semi-regularly. I have no shortage of stuff already written so even when I have extreme writers block their should be updates.

So, here's the next bit. Some Axton/Gaige and (implied) Maya/Lilith

Enjoy!

I don't own Borderlands.

More Drunk Vault Hunters

The Vault Hunters of Pandora were spread throughout Moxxi's Bar in Sanctuary. Salvador and Mordecai sat at a booth with a large pile of bottles on the table between them. Lilith and Maya sat in the next booth over, talking with each other. Zer0 sat alone in one corner and hasn't seemed to have moved since first sitting down. While Axton and Gaige both sat at the bar, drinking and chatting with each other and Moxxi. All of the Vault Hunters had already been there for quite some time already and some of them were rather drunk.

"Alright sugar, that's it. You've had enough to drink." Moxxi said as she refused to give Gaige another rakkale.

"Please Moxxi? Just one more?"

"Sorry sugar. You're done for tonight."

"Fine." Gaige said defeated. "I guess I'll just go back to the HQ then."

She let out a sigh and stood up to leave, only to immediately stumble. She would have landed on the floor had Axton's reflexes not kicked in.

"Maybe you shouldn't be walking back by yourself." Said Moxxi.

"I can take care of myself."

"Mhhm... Sure. Axton would you mind helping her back?"

"Sure thing." The commando said.

"I don't need help!" Gaige asserted as she tried to stand again (emphasis on "tried"), and once again fell. Axton managed to catch her before she hit the ground.

"Sure you don't need help?" He said.

"Ok maybe a little..." She said sheepishly and with a small blush.

Axton let out a sigh and helped Gaige to her feet. She put her arm over his shoulder for support and they started walking.

About half way back Gaige stumbled again and Axton, already tired of the slow pace decided to speed things up a bit. He grabbed Gaige and picked her up, intent on carrying her the rest of the way.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Gaige yelled at him.

"Making this go faster." Axton replied.

"No, damn it! Put me down! I will not have sex with you!"

"What?!" A confused Axton said. "No one said anything about that."

"Oh... You didn't?" Gaige said blushing slightly. "Sorry, I'm a little drunk."

"Just a little?" Axton asked sarcastically.

The two reached the door of the HQ before anymore conversation could happen. Axton carefully put Gaige down on her feet so he could open the door. And as soon as he had turned he heard a thud from behind him and saw Gaige on the ground. He opened the door and helped her back up, once again carrying her (because if should couldn't even stand she sure as hell wasn't going to make it up the stairs).

He quickly reached her room and set her down carefully on her bed.

"Uhmm... Thanks Axton." Gaige said.

"No problem." He said turning to leave.

"Wait a second." Gaige said before the commando had time to exit.

"What is it?" He asked.

Rather than answering immediately, Gaige stood up (and somehow managed to not fall) and walked over closer to Axton. When she was as close as she could get to him she finally spoke.

"I figure I might as well try this now before I sober up." She said.

Axton have her a confused look. And then she grabbed a hold of him and forced him into a kiss. The two stayed that way for what seemed like forever before Gaige broke the kiss.

"What was that?" Axton said when he finally managed to get the words out.

"It was fun is what it was." Gaige responded with a grin. "Goodnight now." She said as she pushed the commando into the hallway and closed her door. Leaving Axton standing there even more confused.

The door opened again a moment later. Gaige looked at Axton and said "Remember when I said I wouldn't sleep with you?" Axton nodded his head yes. "I lied. Now get in here." She said dragging the commando into her room.

-The next morning-

All of the Vault Hunter woke up late the next morning, and all of them fighting hangovers (even Zer0 seemed to be dealing with one).

They all stumbled out of their room's one by one and into the main part of the HQ. First Zer0, then Salvador, then Mordecai, then Gaige and Axton together.

"What the hell is taking Lilith and Maya so long?" Axton finally said.

"I don't know. Maybe someone should go get them." Mordecai said.

"I'll do it." Gaige said.

"Let me come with you." Axton said.

"Oh, I want to go too." Salvador added.

"Or we all go get them." Mordecai mumbled to himself as they went to get the two Sirens.

Axton was the first to reach Maya's room and knocked on the door.

"Come on Maya get up!" Gaige yelled.

"Lil wake up!" Mordecai yelled pounding on Lilith's door at the same time.

It was then that the Vault Hunters got a response, albeit not the one they were expecting. There were two screams from inside Lilith's room.

"Oh my god what happened last night?!" The Vault Hunters heard Lilith yell from her room.

"I don't know! I don't know!" Maya's voice answered.

"What the hell?" Mordecai said from the hallway.

It was then that the door opened revealing Maya, who was wearing Lilith's clothes and had her hair styled like Lilith's, behind her was Lilith's who was wearing Maya's clothes and had Maya's hair style.

"Well..." Mordecai said. "That's kind of..."

"Kinky?" Gaige finished for him.

"Well, I was gonna say weird... But I guess that works too."

"So, uhmm... What exactly did you two do last night?" Gaige asked.

"No idea." The two Sirens said in unison.

Fin


	3. Of Turrets and Robots

Hi! I'm updating again because I'm bored and have far too much time on my hands right now.

This update is particularly short. So I do apologize for the length.

Also someone asked a question and so just to clarify not all of my oneshots are going to be Maya/Lilith, just the first two and another one that won't show up for quite a while. Although I do reference it semi-regularly in the others, but never as the focus of the story or as something to be taken seriously. So that's about it.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Of Turrets and Robots

"Axton I don't think you understand" Gaige said looking the commando dead in the eyes. "Deathtrap would completely destroy your turret. I don't care how fancy your turret is, or how much you add to it. Deathtrap is more intelligent, stronger, and he can actually move."

"See here's the problem Gaige. Your robot doesn't have nearly as much stopping power as my turret. My turret has more weapons them Deathtrap could ever dream of carrying."

Gaige rolled her eyes. "You know what? I think there's only one way to settle this."

"A robot/turret fight to this death?"

"Exactly." Gaige said with a grin.

"Fine. But if I win we're totally making out."

"Er..." Gaige gave the commando a confused look. "Whatever."

Axton moved to throw out his turret and Gaige did the same with Deathtrap, but both Vault Hunters suddenly realized that their robots weren't there.

"What the hell?" Axton said looking for his turret.

"DT where are you?" Gaige asked looking for her robot.

"Where the hell are they?" Axton asked.

"I have no idea... Wait! Yes I do. I put a tracking chip in Deathtrap; I should be able to track him down."

"Right, all Dahl machinery has one too. I should be able to track down my turret."

Both Vault Hunter pulled out their Echo Devices and searched for their respective robots.

"That's weird; it says that Deathtrap is over by Claptrap's place."

"It says the same thing about my turret..."

Both Vault Hunters looked at each other.

"Think Claptrap stole them?" Gaige asked.

"He's certainly not above it."

Gaige sighed, "That's what I thought. Come on."

Axton and Gaige made the short trip to Claptrap's place and just as try were turning the corner they got a huge surprise. There was Deathtrap and Axton's turret, but Claptrap was nowhere to be seen. Instead they saw Deathtrap and Axton's turret locked in an embrace (or at least as close as they could get to one considering the turret had no arms). Gaige and Axton stood for a few moments watching before slowly backing away.

"So..." Gaige said.

"So..." Axton echoed her.

"It appears they've found love."

"It does seem that way."

"This is really weird." Gaige said.

"Yeah..." Axton added. "Hey, does this mean we're somehow related now?"

Gaige opened her mouth to answer but then closed it again.

"I'm not really sure." She said after a few moments. "Not really sure."


	4. Slagged

Hi there! This is the next update for all of you guys. As it turns out there's a whole five people following this. Which is like six more than I ever though would. So thank you guys!

A quick bit of backstory for this particular fic. My good friend WhimsicalMayhem (check out her stuff, it's pretty good) suggested something where Maya ended up in a... shall we say, awkward situation with Zer0. And this is the result.

One more quick thing, if for some reason anyone ever wants to not read these on here I also have a deviantart account that all of these will be posted too. Username ForYeWhoArtLiterate.

Enjoy!

I don't own Borderlands.

Slagged

"Son of a bitch Axton." Maya said to herself as she tried (emphasis on tried) to get the slag out of her hair.

The Vault Hunters has been fighting bandits in Sawtooth Canyon, everything was going great; the bandits weren't too tough to fight, the weather was good, no one had been shot yet. And then of course Axton accidentally shot a slag barrel. Maya had been right next to it and got coated in a thick layer of the disgusting ooze. So after thoroughly threatening Axton, she had abandoned the rest of the group and gone back to Sanctuary to wash up.

"Damn it!" She exclaimed as she, once again, found slag still hiding in her hair. Honestly how hard was it to wash this stuff out?

Half a bottle of shampoo and more cursing at Axton latter, Maya was, not happy with the state of the slag still in her hair, but she had managed to get it down to a tolerable level.

And so after fighting a nearly forty-five minute losing battle with the slag, Maya finally stepped out of the shower. She grabbed a towel and went to check on the state of the clothes she had been wearing when she got slagged.

"I'll probably have to get rid of them" she thought. "It's a shame, I really liked that outfit."

She walked into her room, closed the door behind her, and took a look at her clothes.

"Yep. Definitely ruined." She said to herself sadly.

Just as she was about to go toss out the ruined outfit, she heard the door open. Her head jerked up and she saw Zer0 in the doorway.

"Zer0 what the hell are you doing?!" She yelled. She moved toward him, intent on throwing him out of her room. And that's when her day went from bad to worse.

As she walked toward the door her towel got snagged on something, and fell off. It took Maya about a second to realize what happened. When she did, her face instantly turned a deep red and she quickly grabbed a sheet off her bed to cover herself with. When she looked back at the door Zer0 was gone.

Later that Day

Maya approached Zer0, it had taken nearly all day but she had finally cornered the assassin.

"So Zer0." She said calmly.

Zer0 looked frantically for a way out of the alley he was cornered in. When he saw none he gave in and looked toward the Siren.

"Yes?" He said.

"Why did you come in my room today?"

"We were all worried/So I went to check on you/And you know the rest."

"Why didn't you just knock?"

"I'm an assassin/It was a force of habit/I don't knock often."

"Mhhm..." Maya said. "Well I suppose it's partially my fault for not locking the damn thing."

Maya then turned to leave, but before she did she asked one more question.

"Hey Zer0. What'd you think?"

A "?" emoticon lot up on Zer0's visor.

"Don't give me that, you know exactly what I'm talking about."

The visor went blank for a moment, only for the question mark to be replaced with a 3.

"That's what I thought." Maya said. She then closed the distance between her and Zer0, and bitch slapped the fuck out of the assassin.

As Zer0 lay on the ground recovering from the shock Maya said something.

"And if you tell anyone, there is plenty more where that came from!" And with that she walked away.

Authors Note: I really hated Maya and Zer0 shipping at the time if you couldn't tell.

Oh, and one more thing. If you guys have any sort of requests for future fics I'd be more than happy to take them.


	5. Vault Hunters and Rakkale: Part II

This is a direct sequel to the first fic in the collection "Vault Hunters and Rakkale". There will actually be a few more of these down the road but I won't post them for a while. Also, I'm more than happy to take requests so feel free to make them.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Vault Hunters and Rakkale Part II

Once again, Axton and Maya found themselves in Moxxi's Bar, drunk, and playing Truth or Dare. This can only end well right?

"Alright your turn." Maya said.

"Dare." Axton said.

"Oh?" Maya said surprised. "So you are drunk enough to do whatever I have planned this time?"

"Not yet." Axton said. He then proceeded to down the rest of his rakkale. "There, now I'm ready. Shoot."

"I dare you..." Maya pondered for a moment. "To go flirt with Gaige, Lilith, Moxxi, and Zer0. And you have to use the worst pickup lines you know."

"Oh come on." Axton protested. "That's just outright evil."

"So was telling me to kiss Lilith. Now go." Maya said pointing in the general direction of the people Axton had to go see.

Axton got up and started to walk to the other end of the bar.

"Oh and one more thing," Maya added as the commando was leaving. "You can't stop flirting until it either works or fails miserably."

Axton groaned, said something under his breath about "that fucking bitch of a Siren", and proceeded towards his first objective; Moxxi.

Axton got to the bar and got Moxxi's attention.

"Hey baby..." Axton said in the smoothest voice he could. And then got slapped in the face by Moxxi.

"Sorry sugar." Moxxi apologized. "Force of habit."

"Nope. I deserved that." Axton said rubbing his hand were Moxxi had slapped him. He figured that counted as failing miserably and moved toward his next goal; Lilith.

"Hey Lilith." He said, taking a seat next to the Siren.

"Hey Axton. 'Sup?"

Axton braced himself for the backlash of what he was about to say.

"So" he said. "I've been wondering, how far down do those tattoos go?"

Lilith stared at him for a moment and then slapped him across the face.

"I probably deserved that." He said, once again rubbing his face.

"Ya think?"

"Yeah." He said getting up. "Have a nice night."

Axton then weighed his options. He could either head over to Gaige or Zer0 next. After a second he decided that it was best to go with Gaige next. Sure she was likely to slap him too, but Zer0 was likely to decapitate him.

So with that in mind Axton walked over to where Gaige was seated.

"Hey Gaige." He said.

"What's up Axton?"

"Well..." He started. "How would you like to go somewhere and get and get up close and personal with my turret? If you know what I mean."

Gaige just stared at him for a few seconds before she burst out laughing.

"Oh my god. That was the worst pickup line I've ever heard."

"That was the point actually." Axton said quietly.

"Sure."

"Huh?" Axton said.

"I said sure." Gaige explained. "That line was awful, but there's something about you Axton."

"Wait. What?"

Gaige face-palmed. "You. Me. Lets go someplace and-"

"No." Axton said.

"What? Why not?"

"I just did that because Maya dared me to flirt with you. Sorry about that."

"Oh..." Gaige said. "Well this is awkward now..."

"Yeah..." Axton agreed. "I'm gonna go now. Sorry."

Axton got up and left as fast as he could. Heading towards his final target Zer0.

Zer0 was in the back corner of the bar and happened to look up at Axton as he came closer.

"Hey Zer0."

"Hello." The assassin replied.

Axton decided that this had gone on long enough and decided to cut to the chase and get it over with.

"Zer0," Axton said. "I love you."

Axton then braced himself for the imminent katana to the face. But instead something that bothered him even more happened. A 3 emoticon lit up on Zer0's visor. Axton sat there dumbstruck for a moment and then got up and bolted.

On his way to the exit he stopped at the table that Gaige was at.

"Hey Gaige."

"Yeah?" She said sadly.

"I changed my mind. Let's get the hell out of here." He said grabbing her arm and dragging the dumbstruck mechromancer out of the bar.

Meanwhile, Maya sat at her table laughing.


	6. Six Men Enter, One Man Leaves

Here we have something different. Absolutely no shipping. None. Not at all. (Trust me that pretty much never happens again.)

Also this one is a bit more serious and angst-y on the surface. Just bear with it, I promise you there's a joke in there somewhere. Feel free to leave a review and/or make a request for future fics that you'd like to see.

I don't own Borderlands

Enjoy!

Six Men Enter, One Man Leaves

"What the hell?" Axton questioned as he opened his eyes and looked around. Something was off. He was some sort of large room, there were concrete slabs spread throughout it, and the ceiling and walls appeared to be frozen solid. The other Vault Hunters were inside too, spread all over the room.

"Where the hell are we?" He heard Gaige say from somewhere to his right.

"Hey kiddos!" A voice came out from several speakers placed in the room.

"Handsome Jack here. Now you may have noticed that you're inside what you bandits like to call the Circle of Slaughter. You may have also noticed that the door is locked shut. Now, that door is programmed to only open when there's only a certain amount of people left living in this room. In this case it's one. I've also decided that in order for one of you to leave you'll have to kill all the others. Six men enter, one man leaves. So you kiddos have fun with that ok?"

"You're kidding right?" Salvador asked.

"No." Handsome Jack answered. "Either you all kill each other for my viewing amusement, or I'll just press this button and you're all dead."

"Go to hell Jack!" Maya yelled.

Handsome Jack sighed. "Look. I can either kill you all, or one of you can live to try and stop me. The choice is yours. Oh, and if you don't start within the next minute I'll just kill you all. And laugh. I'll also do lots of laughing."

The Vault Hunters stood in silence as the news sunk in.

"So, what do we do then?" Gaige asked.

"We can't just let Jack kill us all and win." Maya said.

"But are we really gonna kill each other?" Axton asked.

"You have ten seconds left before I pull the kill switch." Handsome Jack's voice announced.

"We can't just kill each other!" Gaige said.

"It doesn't look like we have a choice." Maya said sadly.

"3, 2, and-"

Jack's voice was cut short by the sound of rifle shot. The Vault Hunters looked to see Zer0 holding a gun, the barrel still smoking. The followed his line of sight until they saw Salvador, shot through the chest.

"Shit." He said looking at the wound. Then he collapsed to the ground dead.

"That's more like it." Handsome Jack said.

"Y-you killed him." Gaige stuttered.

"I had no choice." Zer0 responded coldly.

"Then I guess we don't either." Axton said drawing his gun. The others did the same.

"Sorry guys." Axton said quietly.

Axton quickly threw his turret and took cover behind one of the concrete slabs. The other Vault Hunters all jumped for cover too, except Zer0, who just seemed to be standing there in the crossfire. That's when Axton put two and two together and realized why Zer0 hadn't run for cover; it was a hologram. He quickly spun around, just in time to duck out of the way of the real Zer0's digistruct sword. Axton then swung his rifle around and fired and Zer0 dropped to the ground in a pool of blood.

Meanwhile Krieg, who had remained silent the whole time, moved his way behind cover looking for a target. That's when he saw Maya hiding behind a section of wall. He immediately run towards the Siren and he got within a few feet before she noticed him. She raised her SMG to shoot at the charging psycho but he knocked it out of her hands. He raised his ax above his head, intent on killing the Siren. Then he heard a voice.

"Stop."

And or the first time in years Krieg did exactly what the voice told him to do. He still had his ax, raised and ready to end Maya's life, but he couldn't. And then for the first time since Hyperion had gotten a hold of him all those years ago, the sane half of him said something.

"Kill me."

He said quietly to Maya, lowering the ax and tossing her his own pistol. Maya looked confused at first, but then grabbed the gun and pointed it at Krieg.

"Thank you." He said in the same quiet voice. She pulled the trigger and he dropped to the ground, dead, with a bleeding hole going straight through his head. Even with the gunfight happening around her Maya couldn't take her eyes of the psycho that had now saved her life twice. Tears began to form in her eyes and she swore to herself that if she was the one to make it out, she would make sure Handsome Jack suffered.

On the other half of the room Deathtrap and Axton's turret had managed to destroy each other and now Gaige an Axton were engaged in a brutal gunfight. Gaige had already been hit once in the shoulder and Axton had grenade shrapnel lodged deep in his leg. Gaige leaped over the low wall she was using as cover and wove her way past Axton's gunfire, or most of it anyway. She got hit directly in the leg, and she fell to the floor right in front of the concrete slab that Axton was using for cover. He still had his gun aimed, straight at Gaige's head, and they locked eyes for a moment. Gaige looked up at Axton with a look that begged him not to finish her.

"Please Axton" she pleaded. "Don-". A gunshot interrupted her final words and Gaige slumped to the ground a rifle round straight though her heart.

Then Axton heard a click behind him, and felt the muzzle of a pistol press against the back of his head. He dropped his gun to the floor, put his heads up, and slowly turned around. There was Maya, pointing the gun directly at his face.

"I'm sorry it had to end this way Axton." She said quietly.

"I'm sorry too Maya." He said almost inaudibly.

"What are you sorry for?" She asked confused at the commando's words.

"This!" He yelled, swinging his arm and plunging his tomahawk into the side of her neck.

Maya's face turned to horror as she registered what had happened and she slumped to the ground as blood poured from the wound.

Axton looked around at the other dead Vault Hunters, five in all.

"Are you fucking happy now Jack?! Well are you?!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Eh." Came the reply. "Could have been more interesting."

"You son of a bitch." Axton said to himself as Jack went on.

"But a deal is a deal. I'll let you out now."

And with that the door to the Circle of Slaughter opened and Axton walked slowly towards the exit, thinking of all the ways he could kill Handsome Jack. As he made his way out he heard a familiar voice.

"You son of a bitch. I can't believe you killed me."

Axton looked up to see Gaige looking at him with a disapproving look.

"Y-y-you're alive?!" He stuttered.

"Yeah. We all are." Another voice came from behind him, this time belonging to Maya.

"But how?!"

"New-U Station." All of the Vault Hunters said in unison.

"Oh yeah. Forgot about those." Axton said sheepishly. "So... What do we do now?"

"Simply" Maya answered. "We kill bandits, get paid, blow shit up, fuck bitches, and drive fast cars. Then we kill Jack for being the biggest jackass on Pandora."

"Works for me." Said Axton.

"Same." Gaige added.

"Oh. This'll be fun!" Salvador chimed in.

"Sounds like a good plan/Jack should pay for what he did/He is a jackass"

"STRIP THE FLESH! SALT THE WOUND!"

Fin


	7. Mr Booze

As requested by Anchorgurl1, here is a fic with Mordecai and Maya. I apologize if it wasn't what you were hoping for but it was the first thing that I thought and I just sort of ran with the idea.

Also a thank you to WhimsicalMayhem for helping to edit most of my fics, and for helping in the finishing of this one in particular.

Feel free to review and/or make a request for a future update.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Mr. Booze

Maya and Mordecai were at that Crimson Raiders HQ while the other Vault Hunters had gone out killing bandits in Thousand Cuts. Maya stayed behind because her last visit to Thousand Cuts had ended unpleasantly with a large barrel of slag getting splashed on her. Mordecai had stayed behind because he was lazy.

Currently, the two were in the main room of the HQ. Maya was reading something off her Echo Device, and Mordecai was enjoying what had to be his sixth drink today.

"I don't understand. How can you drink all that and not be dead?" Maya asked, looking up from her Echo.

"Years of practice amiga. Years of practice." Mordecai grinned.

"Seriously Mordecai, how do you drink all that stuff? It's completely disgusting."

"Rakkale ain't disgusting. It's my lifeblood. I've been drinking it for years."

"Like I said before, how are you not dead then? If that stuff were any worse it'd be poison."

"You get used to the stuff. You'd know that if you drank it more often."

"I don't drink."

Mordecai stared in disbelief.

"You don't drink? Not at all?"

"Nope." The Siren replied.

"Why?!"

"Because I was raised in an abbey, by a religious order. Alcohol wasn't exactly the beverage of choice out there."

"Must've been hell. No booze..."

"It was not! Well, actually it was, but not because there wasn't alcohol; it was because they used me to keep the planet under their control, but that's not the point. The point is that stuff is disgusting."

"It is not disgusting. And I'm gonna prove it to you. Come on." He said standing up.

"Where are we going?"

"Moxxi's."

"Mordecai, I'm not drinking."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Fine I'll tell you what. You know that rifle I picked up the other day? The corrosive Maliwan with the awesome paint job?"

"Yeah..."

"If you go to Moxxi's and have a drink with me I'll give it to you."

"Really?"

"Really."

"That's all I have to do? Have one drink."

"Just one drink."

Maya thought about it for a moment. One drink couldn't hurt could it? She'd just down it as quickly as possible and then get the rifle. What was the worst that could happen?

-I think you all know where this is headed-

Approximately fifteen minutes later in Moxxi's Bar...

"Why have I never had this before?!" Maya said enthusiastically. She swung a bottle of rakkale to her lips and took a long drink.

Mordecai sat at the bar next to her, keeping one eye on the drunken Siren.

"Mordy! This stuff is great!" She swung an arm around the hunter's neck. "I freaking love this."

"Yeah I'm sure you do." He said, pushing her arm away. "Moxxi, how much did you give her?" He turned to the bartender.

"She's still on her first bottle sugar."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not. Some people just have a, shall we say, slightly lower tolerance for booze."

"Slightly lower? Moxxi after two sips she was completely wasted."

"Okay, some people have absolutely no tolerance for booze."

"Hey Moxxi?" Maya intruded.

"What is it sugar?"

"You wanna fuck?" She said bluntly.

Mordecai tried to hold back his laughter as Moxxi thought of a nice way to turn her down.

"Sorry sugar, but it's my policy to not sleep with anyone who can't walk more than two feet without falling over."

"I can totally make it more than two feet." Maya said.

She stood up, took a step, and then promptly landed on her face.

"Mordecai, you might want to take her home."

"Yeah I got her." The hunter said. He walked over to the Siren. "Come on amiga, time to go."

He picked her up off the floor and propped her up on a bar stood. He put his arm under hers and lifted her up, she stumbled a bit but didn't fall.

"See you Moxxi." Mordecai said leaving.

"My offer still stands Moxxi!" Maya yelled out.

The two exited the bar and Maya, with Mordecai's help, stumbled her way back to the Crimson Raider's HQ.

After the ordeal of getting Maya up the stairs, Mordecai got her to her room and laid her down on her bed.

"Where are you going?" She asked as he walked out the door.

"I'm going to make sure the others don't bug you when they get back. You'll thank me tomorrow." He said shutting the door.

The Next Day

The door to Maya's room creaked open with a sound like thunder. She buried her face in her pillow trying to shut out the noise and light.

"Hey Maya, how ya doing?" Mordecai's voice cut through the air like a knife.

Maya groaned.

"I thought so. You were pretty drunk last night."

Maya groaned again.

"Come on sit up for a minute. I need you to look at me."

Maya lifted her head up and blinked a couple times trying to adjust to the brightness.

"Here." Mordecai said. He placed some things on her night stand, a few pills, some water, and a mug of coffee. "Take those and drink that, they'll make you feel a little better."

The Siren just stared at him with bloodshot eyes trying to register what he was saying.

"I'll leave you alone now."

He walked toward the door and began to close it.

"Thanks Mordy." Maya mumbled as loud as she could.

"No problem kiddo." He said with a grin.


	8. Drunken Hunting

I apologize for the lack of updates, I've been very busy since the last one. Although in the future expect at least two updates a week, one on Tuesday, and one on Friday, and there may be a few in between those if I have something good.

Also I'm still taking requests if you guys have any.

Review if you'd like.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Drunken Hunting

You'd think that by now the Vault Hunters would have realized not to do things while drunk... You would be incorrect.

The Vault Hunters and Sir Hammerlock were spaced throughout Moxxi's Bar in Sanctuary. Everyone (and I mean everyone) was already very drunk.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Old Slappy ripped my arm off?" Hammerlock asked Mordecai sitting across from him.

"I don't think so." The drunken sniper replied, searching for more rakkale in the bottom of his nearly empty bottle.

"Well, you see I was hunting this giant thresher named Old Slappy, and he was enormous nearly two hundred feet tall. We were engaged in brutal combat for almost two hours before he got the best of me. He grabbed me with one of his tentacles and then he bit my arm clean off. He would have finished me off had I not thrown a grenade into his mouth, which bought me just enough time to escape."

"If he only got your arm then why do you have a missing leg and eye too?"

"Oh, I lost the leg to a bandit named Ralph the Destroyer of Souls."

"And what about your eye?"

"I lost that in a tragic dart playing accident... Which is also why I can never go back to Eden-5 again..."

"Mhhm..." Mordecai said searching for another bottle of rakkale.

"But you know Old Slappy's still out there."

"He is?" Mordecai perked up, suddenly interested in the conversation.

"Yes.. I would have gone after him but I figured that killing him is at least a two man job..."

"Come on." Mordecai said standing up. "We're going to go kill Old Slappy."

"Are you sure now is a good time? You seem rather intoxicated, and judging by the fact that I'm beginning to think that Gaige looks stunningly like Moxxi, I'm pretty sure I am too."

"Come on, it'll be fun. Besides I almost never hunt sober."

And with that the two left Sanctuary to go hunt Old Slappy.

Meanwhile Maya watched them from a nearby table.

"You know, that sounds like fun."

"Hmmm?" The commando next to her said.

"Going out and killing stuff."

"Right now?"

"Well... Yeah."

"After all the booze you've had?"

"Never stopped Salvador."

"Fair enough." Axton said getting up. "Let's go."

As the pair of Vault Hunters left the bar, one by one the rest of them decided to go out into the borderlands and kill bandits. Salvador and Zer0 left together soon after Maya and Axton, and Gaige and Lilith followed right after them. Leaving only Brick and Moxxi left.

"So" Brick said. "Which one is gonna have the worst night?"

"$1000 on Maya and Axton." Moxxi replied.

"I got $1000 on Zer0 and Salvador."

"You're on."

The Next Day

Mordecai woke up in some sort of cave, Sir Hammerlock was a couple feet away, missing his robotic arm. Mordecai got up to go wake the hunter but then noticed the floor was kind of wet and squishy. He turned around to see a giant dead thresher which had been exploded in various places and had left goo all over the floor and Mordecai.

"Holy shit what happened last night?" He asked himself.

Zer0 slowly opened his eyes and looked around. He was in what looked like the wreckage of a Light Runner and there were bandit technicals and buzzards wrecked all around the runner. He slowly stood up trying to remember what happened last night. Which is when he spotted Salvador, passed out face first into the ground and covered in the exploded remains of a psycho. Zer0 just shook his head and went to go wake up the dwarf.

Gaige slowly opened her eyes and cursed everything that was bright before getting up. She put a hand to her head trying to stop the throbbing. She looked around for her companion from last night. She and Lilith had decided to go kill bandits out in Tundra Express, they had met up with Tiny Tina and set off more than a few explosives (Gaige made a mental note to check for missing limbs later), but past that she couldn't remember anything. That was when she heard some muffled noises coming from the ground nearby. Gaige walked up to we're the sound was coming from and saw some of the dirt move. Gaige, curious as to the source of the sound, started digging. About two feet down she found a large box that the noise seemed to be coming from. Using her claw she managed to pry the lid off the top. Lilith then sprang out of the box breathing heavily and thanking Gaige for digging her out.

"What the hell did we do last night?" Gaige asked.

Lilith just shrugged.

Maya woke up, and opened her eyes. But decided it was too damn bright and forced them shut again. "Besides," she thought "it's nice here." She hugged whatever it was that was lying next to her. And then she had a realization. She just woke up next to either Axton or a total stranger, neither of which was a good thing. She slowly opened her eyes, dreading what she might see. And when she finally did, she screamed, loudly.

Axton woke up to the sound of Maya screaming and bolted upright. Sure enough there was Maya looking terrified, probably at the thought of what she and Axton had done last night.

"Calm down." He said. "Whatever happened couldn't have been that bad."

"Oh yes it could." She said. "Look." She pointed at another person next to her.

"Oh my god..." He said. "Is... Is that the Sheriff?"

Maya nodded her head slowly.

"So you're telling me... That last night there was a threesome between you, me, and Handsome Jack's girlfriend?"

Maya nodded again.

"Never tell anyone about this?"

Maya nodded.

"And never bring this up again?"

"Yep. Now let's go before she wakes up."

Back In Sanctuary

Brick and Moxxi waited at the front of the Crimson Raiders HQ looking for the Vault Hunters.

First Gaige and Lilith came back; Lilith was covered in dirt and looked like she'd been through hell. While Gaige looked like a mess too, her hair was singed and she had shrapnel lodged in her robotic arm.

Next Mordecai and Sir Hammerlock showed up, both of them covered in goo and smelling of threshers. Sir Hammerlock also appeared to be short by one limb.

Next Salvador and Zer0 showed up, Zer0 carrying the passed out dwarf over his shoulder. Both Vault Hunters were covered in what looked like a mix of skag bile and bandit blood.

And finally Axton and Maya showed up, looking considerably better than the others but still shaken.

"What did you two do last night?" Moxxi asked.

"Nothing," Maya said quickly. "Nothing at all."

It was then that Maya's Echo went off and the voice of the Sheriff came out of the small speaker.

"You know, just because we all had fun last night doesn't mean I won't try to kill you both the next time you come here."

The Vault Hunters and Moxxi were silence for a few moments.

"So..." Moxxi said. "Had a threesome with the Sheriff did we now?"

Axton and Maya both looked at each other and then walked away.

"I'll take that as a yes. Pay up sugar." Moxxi said turning to Brick.

"Damn." He said reaching into his pocket. "And I thought for sure that Salvador was gonna do something stupid."


	9. Problem Drinking

Well I had enough free time to reread and edit something so here's an update.

I'm still taking requests if any of you would like to make one. Just message me or leave it in a review.

Feel free to review if you'd like.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Problem Drinking

"Eh? What the hell is going on?" A groggy Mordecai asked, blinking to adjust his eyes to the light. The last thing he remembered was drinking last night. Shortly followed by passing out and then being rudely awakened a few moments ago.

Mordecai blinked again, he saw a couple of people spaced throughout the Crimson Raiders HQ. There was Lilith and Brick. That other Siren, what was her name? That Dahl Corp guy. The little girl with the robotic arm. And then there was Moxxi too.

"What's going on?" Mordecai asked again.

"Sit down Mordy." Lilith said pointing to a seat next to Mordecai.

He sat down and waited for her to answer the question.

"Mordecai" she said. "This is an intervention."

"A what?" The sniper asked, still not quite recovered from last night.

"An intervention. You got a drinking problem and we're here to get you to stop." Brick stated bluntly.

"Well I suppose that's the short version, but that's mostly it." Lilith added.

"What? I don't have a problem."

"Don't lie to yourself sugar." Moxxi said. "You've had a problem for years, and it's only gotten worse since that bird of yours died."

"Ok fine! So what if I drink a little? So what if I drink a little extra when my closest friend dies. I'm a better shot when I'm drunk anyway!" He paused. "And I don't have a problem!"

"Calm down Mordecai we're just trying to help you." Lilith said calmly.

"Then leave me the fuck alone!" Mordecai yelled. "I don't bother you guys about all your problems."

"None of us have a serious drinking problem." Maya spoke up.

"Maybe not, but you're all fucked up in your own special way. And I don't say anything about it! So why do you guys have to pick on me?"

"Because you're going to end up killing yourself one of these days." Lilith said.

"So? Maybe I want to die drunk and alone! Ever think of that?"

"Mordy, do you really want to die drunk and alone?" Lilith asked.

"Ok, maybe not alone, but definitely drunk."

"Look Mordy, the point is you gotta stop." Brick said.

"I will not! I have every right to drink!"

"It was fine before but you haven't been sober in the past three weeks. It's becoming a problem."

"Look. I don't have a problem! All of you have problems!"

He pointed at Brick.

"You, you're a fucking psychopath and you're an inherent danger to everyone around you."

He pointed at Lilith.

"Don't give me that 'you have a problem' bullshit. You're the one that has a fucking eridium addiction!"

"And you!" He yelled pointing at Moxxi. "You're a fucking sex addict and you're the fucking reason I started drinking in the first place."

"You!" He yelled at Maya. "I'm pretty sure you're a closet lesbian. And you" He move on to Axton. "You talk to your turret like it's a living thing! That's way more fucked up than anything I do! And you!" He pointed at Gaige. "You're a... Fuck I got nothing... But all of you have your own fucking issues so stop bothering me about mine!"

There was a silence that lingered for quite a while.

"Mordy we're just trying to help you.." Lilith started.

"Shut the fuck up Lilith! I don't want or need your help!"

"Mordy we just-"

"That's fucking it!" Mordecai yelled. He pulled out his revolver and emptied it into Lilith. There was a collective gasp as Lilith slowly looked down at the bullet holes which now dotted her body. She slumped out of her chair and

onto the floor, dead.

Mordecai looked in horror at the corpse. He had just snapped for a moment and now one of his best friends was dead, and all she had done was tried to help him.

"I killed her..." He said quietly. "I really do have a problem." He paused. "All she was did was try to help me, and I killed her for it." A few tears started to fall from Mordecai's eyes. "I'm sorry Lilith, I'm so sorry. I'll sober up, just for you. I'm so sorry I killed you, please forgive me."

As Mordecai pleaded with the corpse, tears streaming down his face, he heard a voice from behind him.

"Are you really gonna sober up?"

"Yes. I promise Lilith." He paused a moment. That voice sounds a lot like Lilith's. He turned around, and there was, a not quite angry but not exactly happy either, Lilith.

Mordecai got up and hugged his supposedly dead friend.

"I thought you were dead. I'm so sorry Lilith. But how are you still alive?"

"New-U station Mordy. You know they have those."

"Oh right."

"So are you still gonna sober up?"

"It's probably for the best that I do. I don't want to kill one of you in a rage again."

"Good. Just remember, we're here for you Mordy."

Then came one of the world's most awkward group hugs.

Problem Drinking: Epilogue

Maya and Axton were walking together in the Highlands. They had decided to get away from the others after Mordecai's intervention.

"I still can't believe he thinks I'm a closet lesbian." Maya said.

"Actually he's not the only one." Axton said.

Maya turned around and slapped Axton in the face.


	10. Zer0 and Gaige: Fast Travel

It's update time!

Quick side note, specifically for Bear of Cali. This is something without the Vault Hunters getting drunk (I'm pretty much done with those), unfortunately it does not contain Krieg in it. However I am in the process of revising something that features Krieg.

I don't own Borderlands

Enjoy!

Another side note (I promise it's much funnier than the other notes).

Let's just get this out of the way. As far as I'm concerned Zer0 is one of a number of things, and no, you can't prove any of them. So just read my (maybe correct) opinions on the subject.

1) Zer0 is a normal freaking human who happens to like haiku and is good at killing people. Deal with it.

2) Zer0 is actually a human who is mutated by slag, hence his apparent four fingers and two toes (but really it could just look that way because of the suit). As well as his freakishly tall stature.

3) Zer0 is an Eridean. We don't actually know what they look like so it is a possibility. It would also explain why he's looking for the Vault. You know in case you didn't believe his Echo recordings.

4) Zer0 isn't really real. He could be a hologram that's more advanced than the one he uses to draw enemy fire.

5) Zer0's actually a woman. Just because I'd like to see the face of all the fans when Zer0 takes off his helmet and he is actually a she with long flowing hair.

6) Zer0 is two midgets in a costume.

7) He's a teenage mutant ninja turtle. Which also explains the lack of fingers and toes.

8) Zer0 is Iron Chef Morimoto on his intergalactic quest for the universe's greatest sashimi.

9) (My personal favorite)

Zer0 is a Japanese Robot Ninja from the Future.

Specifically built by an older Gaige and then sent back in time to help the Vault Hunters defeat Handsome Jack. Why? Because Gaige is awesome and obviously she would own a time machine.

(I sincerely apologize that this reads like a Cracked .com article, I was reading a lot of those immediately before I wrote this)

Here begins the actually fic.

Enjoy!

Zer0 and Gaige New-U

"Come on Zer0 let's go." Gaige half said half whined.

Zer0 ignored her and walked toward the Fast Travel Station.

The two of them were headed to clear out a bandit camp. Gaige had wanted to go all day but she hadn't been able to find a partner to go with her. Maya and Axton were already out doing something, Krieg and Salvador had disappeared to god knows where, Lilith, Brick, and Mordecai were all busy doing something together and that had left only one choice; Zer0. After a little begging and pleading Gaige had managed to convince the assassin to join her.

"Come on Zer0 let's go." She whined again.

Zer0 ignored her and selected the destination on the Fast Travel. There was a blur of light and the two Vault Hunters digistructed.

When they arrived at their destination Gaige and Zer0 noticed that something was wrong. You see, they had both digistructed just fine, but apparently there was a mix up in the system, because right now it appeared that Gaige and Zer0 had switched outfits.

"Uhmm... Zer0?" Gaige asked. "Why am I wearing your suit?"

"I can't answer that/why am I wearing your skirt/it's a mystery." Said an oddly feminine voice.

It was at this point Gaige turned around and looked at the assassin. To say she was surprised by Zer0's appearance would have been an understatement. Standing next to Gaige was an incredibly tall woman, with blue eyes, and long flowing dark brown hair, wearing a perfectly scaled up version of Gaige's outfit. Needless to say it took a moment for Gaige to respond to that.

"Uhmm... Zer0, is that you?"

"Uhmm... Yes. Yes it is." She responded sheepishly.

"So... You're a chick?"

"Yes I am."

"And you didn't tell any of us why?"

"I didn't think I needed too?" She half answered.

Gaige just kind of gave her a weird look.

"So any idea what happened?" Zer0 asked.

"Why aren't you speaking in haiku?"

"Huh?" Zer0 said confused.

"You normally speak in haiku. You just sort of... Stopped."

"Oh... Well that's just sort of a part of the whole mysterious assassin thing. Plus it annoys the crap out of Maya. But since I'm no longer the mysterious seven foot tall, faceless harbinger of death I figured I could stop."

"Oh... I suppose that makes sense."

"So any idea why we switched outfits?" Zer0 asked again. "And why your clothes suddenly fit me?" She added.

"Well, my guess is that the Fast Travel glitched when reconstructing us. So you ended up with a scaled up set of my clothes and I have a scaled down set if yours."

"Makes sense I suppose. Is there any way to fix it though?"

"Nothing that I can think of. Not unless it glitches again when sending us back to Sanctuary. But I doubt it would happen twice."

"In that case can we head back now? I kind of want to change back before the others see me."

"It's not like they'd recognize you. You're not wearing your mask or your suit. Heck you don't even sound the same." Gaige paused a moment. "Why don't you sound the same?"

"There's a voice modifier in the helmet."

"Awesome! How do I turn it on?"

"Just select the setting on the heads up display."

"Cool."

Gaige then went silent for a moment presumably trying to turn on the voice modifier.

"Ok I think it should be working- Oh my god I sound awesome!"

(If you couldn't tell by the context she sounds like Zer0 now.)

"This suit is the best thing ever! Can I keep it?"

"No. I need that."

"But it's so awesome."

"Gaige I don't care how awesome you think it is. It's mine and I need it."

"Not until you pry it from my cold dead hands!" And with that a :P flashed across the helmets visor.

"Damn it Gaige! Alright I'll tell you what. If you help me get back to the HQ without being seen I'll let you keep that suit. It's not like I can fit in it anymore anyway..."

"Awesome! I'll help you out. But first I gotta try something. Hold on a second."

Gaige climbed to the top of a nearby building and crouched down on one of the building corners.

"I'm batman. I am the night." She said holding the pose.

"Very funny. Can we go now?"

"Sure. I'm good."

Gaige hopped off the top of the building. The two of them input the destination as Sanctuary and were digistructed by the Fast Travel.

The two re-materialized in Sanctuary a few moments later.

"Damn it. I'm still wearing your clothes." Zer0 said.

"Like I said it probably wouldn't glitch twice. Now come on, you don't want to be seen and that means we should probably get back before the others do."

"Good point, let's go."

The two Vault Hunters made their way to the Crimson Raider HQ, so far no one had seemed notice them. Gaige opened the door and peaked inside, it looked like Tannis was somewhere else at the moment.

"Come on, I don't think Tannis is home. We should be able to go right in."

They did exactly that. Tannis wasn't in her lab but they weren't going to wait around for her to show up. So they quickly made their way up the stairs. Zer0 quickly ran into her room to get changed and Gaige was about to do the same when Tannis came around the corner.

"Ah, hello Zer0 I was just looking for you I-" Tannis stopped mid sentence and simply stared at the Vault Hunter. "Did you get shorter?"

Rather than answer, Gaige quickly ran into her room and shut the door. Tannis stood confused in the middle of the hall for a moment before deciding that it wasn't worth her time to ask questions about it. She had more pressing matters to attend too. (Actually that depends on whether or not your definition of pressing matters includes ceiling chairs).

Meanwhile at Control Core Angel

"I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! All I had to do was make the Fast Travel glitch itself. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. Now I know Zer0's identity! This is the single greatest day of my existence as an AI unit!"

Handsome Jack's image flickered on the monitors in Control Core Angel.

"Angel, dear, what are you rambling about?"

"Nothing dad!"

"Alright if you say so... I have to go save Pandora from the bandit hordes now, behave yourself."

"Yes dad."

The monitors flickered off again.

"Now..." Angel said to herself. "What am I going to do with the rest of my day?" She got an idea. "I wonder... It was easy enough to glitch it once... Maybe if I just re- route this..."

Meanwhile Back In Sanctuary

Maya and Axton reconstructed at the Fast Travel Station in Sanctuary. They had just gotten back from clearing bandit camps in Tundra Express. It had been a tough day and right now Maya was looking forward to going back to the HQ and relaxing. That was of course before Axton said something.

"Uhmm... Maya? Can I ask a question?"

"Yes?" The Siren said.

"Why are you naked?"

(Angel: "Well I was aiming for Axton but close enough.")

Author's Note: This fic makes it less weird that Zer0 didn't kill Axton when he was hitting on Zer0. Also it makes it slightly more creepy that Zer0 saw Maya naked and liked it. Also Angel obviously has too much time on her hands and needs a new hobby.


	11. Skag Puppy

Heyo! Update time.

Nothing particularly special about this one, just some original Vault Hunters (minus Roland... 'cause you know). Anyway, it's just a short bit that's kinda funny. I apologize for the length. Later tonight I might post another short one to make up the difference.

Review if you'd like to.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Skag Puppy

"And I'm awesome." Lilith said as she liquefied a bandit.

"I think that was the last of them." Mordecai yelled from his position, the top of a building about fifty yards away.

"Aw man. I was just getting started." Brick added.

"Sorry big guy." Lilith said. "We'll find another camp to clear out. But first... I call that Maliwan the marauder was using!" She said running towards the bandit's corpse.

"Fine." Brick said going in the other direction to see if he could find any loot worth taking. Then he saw it. A skag puppy chained up to a building. Brick figured to bandits must have kept him as a pet or as diner. But that really didn't matter now. All he knew was he wanted it.

"Whatcha looking at Brick?" Mordecai asked, walking up behind him.

"It's a skag puppy."

"Whatcha gonna do with it?"

"I think I'm gonna keep her."

"What?"

"I said I'm gonna keep her."

"Brick you can't be serious."

"Why not? You got a new Bloodwing, why can't I get a new puppy?"

"Because that's not a puppy Brick. It's a skag."

"It's a skag puppy. Just look at her. She's adorable."

"Brick she's hideous."

"Hey what's going on?" Lilith asked, walking back toward the other Vault Hunters.

"Brick wants to adopt a skag."

"You're kidding right?"

"Nope."

"I don't see what the problem is. It's a puppy, it's not like I haven't had one before."

"Those were dogs Brick. This is a skag." Lilith said.

"The only deference is that a skag is better at killing things."

"And you don't see the problem in that?" Mordecai asked.

"Besides Brick. You can't keep her, I'm allergic to skags."

"Seriously?" Mordecai said.

"Yes seriously. You didn't know that Mordy? Why the hell do you think I sneeze every time we're near a skag?"

"I never noticed."

"Really? You never noticed?"

"Look I'm drunk a lot. I don't notice little things."

"I can't believe you Mordy."

"You know what?" Mordecai said, turning towards Brick. "I think Brick should adopt the skag."

"What?!" Lilith exclaimed.

"I think he should keep it. Look, the guy should be able to have his puppy. And besides I get to watch you be miserable."

"What did I ever do to you Mordy?"

"You want the whole list?"

"Both of you stop fighting. I am trying to come up with a name for my new puppy."

"I can't believe you guys. I really can't." Lilith said walking away.

"So." Mordecai said. "What are you gonna name her?"

"I don't know yet."

"What about Lilith?"

"Yep that's a good name."

"Brick that's not what I meant."

"Too late. This skag shall now be known as Lilith."


	12. The Ballad of Steve

Heyo!

I got bored so I decided to do a quick update. Not much, just a little something that I threw together when I first started writing.

Quick question for all of you guys though. So far all of the stuff I've posted is unrelated, you know cause they're all oneshots (although a few have/will have sequels). So I'm wondering if any of you would like/read a more chapter based fic. I have three and a half chapters of a chapter based fic written. So if you would read such a thing please tell me. If there's enough interest in it I'll post it as a different story and get to work on writing more for it. If not I'll just stick with what I'm doing now. (Just to be clear, this would still update even if I was doing the second one.)

One more quick thing, I'm still taking requests if you guys have them.

So that's it.

Review if you'd like.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

The Ballad of Steve

Ever wonder why Steve works for the Zaford family?

"Looks that's the last of those Hodunk bastards." Mick Zaford said with a grin.

The two families' had just finished their long standing clan war, and with the help of the Vault Hunters the Zaford's had finally killed off the Hodunk family.

"Thanks for your help in killin' those bastards." Mick said. "Now that they're finally gone-"

He was interrupted by a gunshot from behind him. Mick and the Vault Hunters looked for the source of the noise and found it, one of the Hodunk's had survived and shot at one of the Zaford henchmen. Axton and Maya then shot a few rounds into the lone Hodunk, making sure he was dead.

"Who the hell did he shoot at?" Mick asked angrily.

He got his answer in the form of a weak voice that called out "Heyo."

He turned toward the noise and his eyes went wide. There was Steve shot through the chest, lying on the ground, and clutching at the wound.

"Steve my boy!" Mick yelled running to the side of the wounded man. "Don't die Steve. You can't die, you're the only son I have left."

"Heyo." Steve said in a depressed tone, and then went limp.

"No!" Mick screamed. "You Hodunk bastards! If you weren't already dead I'd kill you!"

Meanwhile the Vault Hunters looked on with a mix of horror and confusion.

Mick stood up and walked away from Steve's body.

"Come on." He said to the Vault Hunters. "Come on back the Holy Spirits and I'll pay you for your work."

The Vault Hunters were back at the Holy Spirits bar, there was a party going on to celebrate the defeat of the Hodunk's. Salvador was off getting drunk with some of the Zaford henchmen, Zer0 was in a corner at a table by himself, and Maya, Axton, and Gaige sat at the bar with Mick Zaford. Even with the party going on he still seemed somewhat depressed.

"So" Axton said. "Steve was your son?"

"Aye" Mick said. "He was the last of my kids, after Lucky and Peter died." He took a swig of rakkale. "Well actually he wasn't exactly my son. He was adopted... Sort of."

"What do you mean sort of?" Maya asked.

"We'll you see... Back in the day, when my grandfather was the head of this family and the rivalry was really intense, I was charged with raiding a Hodunk caravan with a couple of other boys. We waited out in The Dust for a few hours before the caravan showed up, and then when it did we killed the guards and raided the supplies they were carrying. But amongst all of the wreckage of one of the runners was a little boy, couldn't have been more than three months old, and he was beat up pretty bad. So we had pity on the poor boy and took him back with us. Now, my old man gave us some kind hell when he found out, but eventually he gave in, and me and my wife, god bless her soul, adopted the little guy. We named him Steve after me grandfather and we raised him as our own. Now unfortunately he was still affected by the injuries he received in the caravan raid, that's why he could only ever say 'Heyo'. His vocal chords were almost completely destroyed and he couldn't say anything else. An' that's the story of me boy Steve. I never did get a chance to tell him that he was adopted..."

The Vault Hunters looked at each other, Axton now looked depressed, so did Gaige, and tears could be seen beginning to form in Maya's eyes.

"Heyo!" A voice came from across the bar.

Mick and the Vault Hunters turned to look at the source of the noise, and there was Steve standing at the end of the bar.

"Steve me boy!" Mick said running over to the bandit. "I thought you were dead! What happened?"

"Heyo." Steve said pointing at the New-U Station.

"Seriously" Gaige said to the other Vault Hunters. "How do we keep forgetting about those?"

Fin


	13. Free Falling

Heyo!

Ok, this is so short it probably doesn't even count as an update, but I wanted to say a few things so here's a little bit of nothing.

But first...

Holy skaglick did you guys give me feedback. I am now swimming in requests for future fics, so thanks guys.

On another note I'd like to say that I have decided to put up the chapter story. That will go up as soon as I edit the first couple of chapters. Remember it'll be separate from Borderlands Collection, so you'll have to find it if you want to read it. That'll go up in the next few days, likely sometime after Tuesday but maybe sooner if I have the time.

Thanks for all the feedback that you guys gave me, I really appreciate it.

(Once again I apologize for the incredibly short length)

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Free Falling

Axton and Maya stood on the edge of the city of Sanctuary looking down at the ground below.

"Sure is a long way down." Maya said.

"Yeah." Axton replied. "It sure would suck if you were to fall down there."

"Yeah tell me about it."

"But it's not like that would happen, right?" Axton said.

He then got behind Maya and gave her a shove.

She stumbled and then fell right off the side of the city.

Axton looked down at the siren's rapidly shrinking silhouette.

"That's for leaving me alone with that goliath earlier you bitch!" He shouted.

Axton looked down for a few more moments before turning around to walk away. The first thing he saw when he turned around was a very angry Maya.

"Well..." Axton said. "That was a quick respawn."

"Oh you are so fucking dead!" Maya yelled.

She then phaselocked the commando and walked up to him as he floated helplessly. When she was standing right in front of him she let him drop to the ground and he fell on his knees right in from of her. Before he could react she kicked him in the chest which sent him backwards and over the edge. As he fell off she shouted one thing.

"This is Pandora bitch!"  
********************************************


	14. Dialog: AxtonMaya

Heyo!

This is a pathetic little update, which I'm pretty sure I partially stole from a friend (it's been awhile since I wrote it I have no idea anymore). So I apologize for the length but I don't have time to edit anything bigger at the moment.

Tomorrow I will hopefully be able to put up a bigger update and my chapter story.

A quick thank you to all of the people that gave suggestions/requests yesterday and today. I will have no shortage of things to write for the next week or so.

Also, I have 20 followers, 13 favorites, 25 reviews, and almost 4500 views. So thank you to all of you!

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Axton and Maya Dialog Only

"Hey Maya?"

"Yes?"

"What exactly would you call our relationship?"

"What relationship?"

"You know you and me."

"Axton there is nothing between us."

"Yes there is. Even if you won't admit it."

"There is not."

"Yes there is."

"No Axton, there isn't."

"Yes there is."

"..."

"Phaselocking me will do you no good."

"..."

"Ok that hurts a little."

"..."

"Wow that's painful."

"..."

"That's fucking painful."

"..."

"Stop."

"Say please."

"Please stop?"

"No."

"Fine it won't last more than a few more seconds anyway."

"..."

"Ha. Now what?"

"I do that again in thirty seconds."

"Oh... Well could you at least answer the question?"

"Axton, we are not in any sort of relationship."

"Common. We're totally dating."

"No we're not."

"Fine then. Friends with benefits?"

"Friends would be pushing it."

"Fuck buddies?"

"That implies sex. And on the off chance there was anything between us I would sure as hell stop it before we got to that."

"You said a lot of things last week after that night at Moxxi's and 'stop' sure wasn't one of them."

"Well... I... I was really drunk and you looked... I was drunk. Let's leave it at that."

"Mhhm."

"Stop it!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're denying the obvious."

"N-no I'm not."

"Hey Maya?"

"What?"

"You're cute when you're flustered."

"..."

"Fuck."


	15. In Which Gaige Discovers Fanfiction

Heyo!

Well here's the next update for this one.

I'm working on editing my chapter story and the first chapter should be up within the hour.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

In Which Gaige Discovers Fanfiction

Gaige was bored. Plain and simple. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. All of the other Vault Hunters had left to go fight bandits or to go do missions for some of Sanctuary's citizens. But Gaige hadn't been able to come. She had planned on going sure, but then Deathtrap had a malfunction and she just couldn't stand the thought of her beloved robot not be in perfect shape. Only problem was the parts she needed would take a few hours to reach Sanctuary and she had to wait for them. So here she was bored out of her mind.

Gaige picked up her Echo device for what seemed like the hundredth time. She had already played through every Echo-sim she could find and now she was reduced to simply searching for random articles to read.

She was just about to turn her Echo off and find some other way to kill time, when she had an idea. She had always heard the Hyperion broadcasts about her and the rest of the Vault Hunters, but what did everyone else think of them?

So Gaige did a search for the Vault Hunters on the Echo-net. The results surprised her a bit. Rather than just the typical news articles she expected there were what seemed to be a number of other pages on the subject of the Vault Hunters.

So Gaige decided to check out the first one.

Once again she was surprised. It was a story about the Vault Hunters, Maya and Zer0 specifically. It said something about Maya accidentally getting slagged and then having to take a shower to get it out of her hair. And then when she was done Zer0 happened to walk in on her. But then in the end Maya ending up confronting Zer0 about it and "bitch smacked the fuck out of him."

Gaige laughed for a few minutes after reading the story. It was fun, and by the looks of it there were a lot more of those to be read.

"Maybe this won't be such a bad day after all." Gaige said to herself as she got reading to read the next story.

For the next hour or so, Gaige amused herself reading the stories which she had since learned were called "fanfictions". (Apparently the Echo-net had a lot of info on the subject.) She read through at least a dozen of them laughing hysterically the whole time at the absurdity of them. She was having a great time. And then she saw something else, there was one with her name in the description. So Gaige clicked on the link to it and began to read.

When the other Vault Hunters for back they found a somewhat disturbing sight. Gaige was huddled in a blanket on the couch shaking.

"Hey Gaige? Gaige?" Axton said. "Gaige are you alright?"

He put a hand on her shoulder

Gaige screamed.

Axton and the others jumped back.

"Gaige what's wrong?" Maya asked.

Gaige simply pointed at an Echo Device on the floor halfway across the room. Maya walked over and picked it up. She started reading and after thirty seconds or so of reading what was on screen she was blushing strongly.

"Well..." She said. "That's... That's kind of messed up... And kind of kinky..."

"What is it?" Axton said grabbing the Echo from Maya.

"Axton you might not want to read that." Maya said.

Axton ignored her and started reading. A few seconds later he put the Echo down.

"Well..." He said. "That's... That's mildly disturbing."

"Who would write something like that?" Gaige asked, somewhat recovered from the initial shock.

"Maybe I can be of assistance." A familiar voice said.

"What do you know Angel?" Maya asked the voice.

"I can trace the account back to its user's Echo Device and that will tell you who wrote it. Just give me a second... Activating phaseshift."

The Vault Hunters waited a moment for Angel to find what she was looking for.

"Oh... Well that can't be right..."

"What's going on Angel?" Maya asked.

"My scan shows that Zer0 wrote it."

All eyes turned toward the assassin. He just stood there for a moment and then entered deception and disappeared.

"So we go kill Zer0 now?" Axton asked.

"Yep." Gaige replied.

Authors Note: This is almost exactly how I discovered fanfiction (and also probably how some of you discovered it).


	16. A Tale of Two Sirens

Heyo!

I had a little bit of time to edit something for an update. I'm sorry for being so inactive this week, I've been really, really busy. Anyway, here's the next update.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

A quick bit of background for this fic.

Anyone remember that first Vault Hunters and Rakkale fic? Yeah, me neither. So to recap it was that bit where Maya kissed Lilith on a dare. Then they all went off to kill Mordecai and Salvador for being annoying. Well I never really resolved the whole Maya and Lilith are lesbians thing other than frequently abusing it for cheap laughs (especially with Maya) in other fics. Well, this is a sequel to it. It'll expand on the whole ordeal a little bit.

A Tale of Two Sirens

The Vault Hunters and Moxxi had finally returned from The Dust. It had taken a few hours but eventually they had tracked down Mordecai and Salvador and brought down the righteous hammer of revenge. So they had come back to Sanctuary. Moxxi went back to her bar along with Brick, Zer0 had disappeared to somewhere, Gaige had gone to bed, and Mordecai and Salvador were both at Dr. Zed's for more or less obvious reasons. This left the two Sirens alone.

Maya and Lilith were seated on the edge of the city of Sanctuary looking down into the clouds below. The effects alcohol had long since worn off and the two were very much sobered up.

"So..." Lilith said, finally breaking the silence that had lingered since they had sat down.

"So..." Maya echoed.

"Alright we're both thinking it; let's just get this over with."

"Let's not."

"Maya. We have to talk about this."

"But..."

"But what?"

"I just... I don't know... Just... Fine. Go ahead and say what you were going to say."

Lilith sighed; Maya defiantly wasn't making this easy.

"Alright. We were both pretty drunk. You only did what you did because you got dared. I don't see any reason to think it meant something."

"Then why did you kiss back? And why did we do it again?"

"Because... I don't know."

Maya sighed.

"So do you have any feelings for me then?"

"Well... No... I think... I'm not sure Maya. I'm not sure."

"Well make up your mind damn it!"

"Calm down Maya. You're normally the rational one, what's the matter with you?"

"You mean other than the fact that we made out in the middle of Moxxi's Bar a few hours ago and everyone we know saw it? That's sort of something that I didn't want anyone else to see!"

"We were drunk Maya. Besides they probably won't bring this up again. That's if they even remember that it happened a week from now."

"Ok fine."

The two sat in silence for a few moments before Maya spoke up again.

"I'm sorry I snapped."

"It's ok."

"Can I ask a question?"

"Uhh… Sure?"

"How exactly do you feel about me? Just try to answer."

Lilith thought for a moment before answering.

"Well... I would be lying if I said I didn't like you, especially after what happened at Moxxi's. How do you feel about me Maya?"

"I... I don't know... I'm confused about the whole thing. A few days ago the only person on this team I would have even considered for a date was Axton. But now... I don't know Lilith. I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing..."

"We could always pretend it never happened." Lilith joked.

"I wish."

Lilith put a hand on Maya's shoulder.

"If you really want too I can make it like it never happened."

"What?"

Lilith sighed.

"There's a lot of crazy things Siren's can do Maya. It's not limited to phasewalking and phaselocks. I can change the memory of everyone who saw what happened."

"You can do that?"

"Yeah. I'm awesome I know."

"So no one will know that we made out? Including us?"

"Sort of..."

"What do you mean sort of?"

"I can only alter memories not remove them. In other words we still kissed, but it was just a quick little kiss to get that bet over with."

"You'd really do that?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you Lilith!"

Maya hugged the other Siren tightly.

"Love you too." Lilith said jokingly.

Maya broke the hug and looked disapprovingly at Lilith.

"Too soon?"

Maya nodded.

"Alright... Well I guess I should get to changing everyone's memory. But first..."

Lilith leaned in and kissed Maya again. Maya was shocked to say the least but didn't exactly protest. When Lilith broke the kiss she looked at a very confused Maya.

"Sorry about that. I just may never get a chance to do that again."

Maya still looked confused at her fellow Siren.

"I suppose I should start working on changing everyone's memory." Lilith said getting up.

She was a about to walk away when she felt something grab her leg.

"Huh?" She said turning around.

"Lilith?" Maya asked looking up at her. "Can you just change everyone else's memory? I kind of want to remember now..."

"Are you sure?"

Maya nodded.

"I think I might know how I feel about you too now..."

"And how exactly do you feel?"

Maya stood up. She walked up next too Lilith and grabbed hold of the Siren. She leaned in and passionately kissed her. After what felt like forever she released the other Siren.

"Well..." Lilith said dumbstruck.

"Yeah..."

"Sure you're not still drunk?"

"Positive."

"That's good enough for me."

The two were just about to kiss again when something interrupted them.

"Well it looks like they're at it again. Pay up Sal."

"Damn it!" The dwarf cursed.

"Hey Lilith. Maybe you should go do what you were going to now."

"Yeah that's a good idea."

Will there be another sequel?

Maybe…


	17. Tina Is Watching You

Heyo!

Update time. This particular fic brought to you by a good friend of mine who gave me a couple of writing prompts a while ago. This one happened to be "10 (Tina) stays in 1's (Axton) house to watch them sleep."

And then this happened.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Tina Is Watching You

An alarm clock blared. Axton rolled over in his bed, "it's too early for this" he thought to himself. It was still before sunrise and last night had been spent killing bandits and blowing things up in Tundra Express. He put out his arm looking for the device that dared to wake him up. After a bit of searching he found it and brought down righteous vengeance in the form of his fist. The alarm promptly shut up, lest it be hit again.

"You exploded it with your fist awesome!"

"What?" Axton said confused.

Axton sat up in bed and looked for the source of the voice. He didn't remember going to sleep with anyone last night. Especially not someone that sounded like...

"Tina?"

"'Sup?"

Axton blinked a few times to make sure he wasn't seeing things. He wasn't. Tiny Tina, world's deadliest thirteen year old, was sitting at the end of his bed.

"Tina." The commando asked. "Why are you in my room?"

"I was watching you sleep."

"You were doing what?"

"I said I was watching you sleep."

"Why?" The commando asked.

"Because I got bored."

"So you watch me sleep when you're bored?"

"Na. Not just you silly. I was watching Lily, and Brick, and Sal, and Gaige, and Maya too. You know you guys really should Tina-proof your doors."

"I thought I locked it..." Axton said peering at the door. The door, it should be noted, was hanging on one hinge and was partially burnt.

"Oh I blew up the lock. I said Tina-proof it, not lock it. Big difference."

Axton just gave a sort of confused look.

"Tina. Why are you even in Sanctuary?"

"We all came back here last night after we blew up those bandits remember?"

"Oh... Well then why are you still here? I thought you were going back home."

"Nah, Lily said I could stay the night."

"And so you spent that night watching all of us sleep?"

"Not ALL of you. I didn't watch Zer0 or Mordy or Krieg."

"Why not?"

"Because Mordy's boring, Zer0's door is Tina-proof, and Krieg smells kinda like butts and dead people."

Axton just sort of shook his head.

"Didn't anyone else wake up while you were watching them and blowing their doors apart?"

"Lily kinda moved but she stayed asleep. Did you know she snores?"

"Can't say I knew that."

"She sleeps with one of those Captain Scarlett plushies too."

"Can't say I knew that either… Look, Tina, why didn't you just go to sleep like everyone else?"

"Caffeine. Lots of it."

"I should have guessed."

Axton rolled out of bed.

"I think we should probably get you back to Tundra Express."

"Come on, ya know you wanna help me break into Zer0's room first."

Axton thought it over for a moment.

"I'm gonna regret this." He said under his breath. "Come on let's go see if we can get that lock off."

"Awesome!"


	18. Don't Mess With the Bot Suckas

Heyo!

Update time. I've been busy lately so I apologize for not working on stuff the people requested/suggested. I'll get to them eventually, just not this week or the next.

Review if you'd like.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Authors Note: More or less a sequel to Gaige and Zer0: Fast Travel (more or less).

Don't Mess With the Bot Suckas

"Oh my god! What did you do?!" Gaige screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Nothing..." Maya said trying to suppress a giggle. "Nothing at all."

"You sons of bitches! You call that nothing?! Just look at poor Deathtrap."

Gaige pointed at her beloved robot, completely covered in ribbons, sparkles, and a number of other things that generally made him look like less of the badass killing machine that he was.

"I mean come on! He looks like he's gonna cuddle me to death, not explode bandits in a display of badassery and awesomeness."

(At this point it should be noted that Deathtrap shed a single manly robot tear in sadness.)

"When did you even have time to do this?!"

"While you were sleeping last night." Axton said.

"You know what screw you guys. I'll get you back for this if it's the last thing I do."

And with that Gaige stormed off to plot revenge against the Siren and commando. Both of whom were still laughing hysterically at their prank.

Gaige walked her way through the Crimson Raider HQ, until she reached Zer0's room. She then burst through the door and into the room within.

"Shit!" A figure exclaimed and ducked behind a corner.

"It's ok Zer0 it's just me." Gaige said while closing the door behind her.

"Oh." A very tall woman with dark brown hair said, walking out from behind cover. "Don't scare me like that damn it. The last thing I need is someone walking into my room while I'm not wearing my suit."

"Yeah, yeah. We got bigger problems right now Zer0."

"Like?"

"Like I need to get Maya and Axton back for making Deathtrap look like a teddybear."

"They did what?" Zer0 asked, keeping the straightest face possible.

"They put ribbons and sparkles on him and he looked all cuddly and not threatening. So now I need to get them back."

"Gaige, I'm a professional assassin. I kill people for a living. I am not helping you prank Axton and Maya."

"Yes you will, because you owe me."

"For what?"

"For me not telling the other Vault Hunters that you're really a woman."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

The two stared at each other for a few seconds before Zer0 gave in.

"Fine I'll help you."

"I knew you'd come around."

"For the record blackmail is a terrible way to get an assassin to help you. Now what do you have in mind?"

The Next Morning

Maya woke up slowly, still sleepy, and not quite willing to get up. After all she was too comfortable, her bed was warm and soft and she really didn't feel like moving. So she stretched out and arm and prepared to go back to sleep, but that was when she hit something. It didn't exactly feel like a part of her bed. She opened her eyes and looked at what was lying next to her.

"Axton?" She said in disbelief.

"Hmmm?" The half awake commando asked.

Maya shook the commando awake.

"Huh? What? What's going on?"

"Axton, why are you in my bed?" The confused siren asked.

"I'm what now?" Axton asked her, still groggy and not thinking.

"Why are you in my bed?"

"I'm in your bed?" Axton asked. "Wait, what!?"

He bolted upright and looked at around. Sure enough he was in Maya's room, and in her bed.

"What am I doing in here?"

"That's what I want to know."

"Well... Did something happen last night?"

"Like what? What could have possibly happened where we ended up in bed together?"

"Well for starters we could have fucked."

Maya slapped the commando across the face.

"What was that for?" He asked putting a hand to his cheek where she had slapped him.

"For even suggesting that we might have done something."

"Jeez... Didn't know I was that far down in your list of people you'd sleep with."

"Pfft. You're at the very bottom of that list Axton."

"So you're telling me you'd rather fuck Lilith then me? That's harsh."

"I didn't say that." Maya said, her face turning slightly red.

"Mhhm... I know about those pictures you have a Lilith. Just so you know."

"How did you find out about that?"

"You just told me."

She slapped him again. Harder this time.

"I probably deserved that."

"You definitely deserved that. Now get out of my room." She said pointing at the door.

Axton got up and did as he was told, not wanting to risk another slap to the face. He opened the door and walked out, leaving Maya alone.

But the next second Axton came back inside and slammed the door behind him.

"Why are you back in my room?"

"We're not in Sanctuary." He said in a panicked voice.

"What?" She asked, confused.

"I said we're not in Sanctuary. Your room, and the two of us, are on the top of Terramorphous Peak right now."

"Very funny Axton. Now get out."

"If you don't believe me come look." He said gesturing to the door.

"Fine." He said, getting up and walking over to the door.

She opened the door, peered out and immediately jumped back inside.

"Told you." He said.

"But how?"

"I don't know."

At that moment the two Vault Hunters Echo devices went off. It was Gaige calling.

"What do you want Gaige?" Maya said, answering the Echo.

"I just wanna let you guys know something. Don't mess with my bot again. Or you'll wake up in a way worse place."

"Wait, you did this? How?!" The Siren yelled into the Echo.

"Voodoo magic. Now have a nice trip down."

Gaige ended the transmission.

"Have a nice trip down?" Axton said confused.

The room lurched forward and the weight began to shift to one side.

"Well shit." Axton said.

The room started its decent down Terramorphious Peak. Maya and Axton held into each other for dear life, screaming in terror the whole way down.

"Maya?" The commando asked.

"Yeah?"

"I guess since we're going to die this is a good time to say this; I think I love you Maya."

"I love you too Axton."

Then the room hit the ground and broke apart killing both Vault Hunters.

On a nearby peak three others looked on at that spectacular sight.

"Nice job gals. Thanks a lot." Gaige said.

"You're welcome." Zer0 said. "I gotta hand it to you, I never thought that would work."

"Nice job getting her room up there Angel." Gaige said turning to the Siren.

"It was nothing."

"So now what?" Zer0 asked.

"Drinks at Moxxi's?" Gaige asked.

"Works for me."

"Sure."

Angel then teleported the group to Sanctuary.

Meanwhile at a nearby New-U Station

"Never speak of this again?" Axton asked.

"Never speak of this again." Maya answered.

Authors Note: Did that make sense? No. Was it moderately funny? Yes.


	19. Trapped

Heyo!

Update time.

This one is a bit different then most of the stuff I post in that 1) It's not funny and 2) There's nearly no dialog.

Why have I done this?

Well, despite being an utter comic genius, I actually very much like reading and writing horror. And while this isn't exactly horror it's fairly close in that it deals with someone's reaction to a situation they find utterly terrifying. So it's not exactly my usual slapstick stuff is what I'm saying. I would very much like it if you would review this in particular and tell me what you think. If I get positive feedback I may try some more like this in the future.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Trapped

"Just my luck." Maya thought to herself.

She had been walking along in Thousand Cuts when a goliath attacked. He got in a hit before she could react. The force of the punch had sent her up into the air, about ten feet in a general backward direction, and then downward for about thirty feet into the well she now resided in.

She had already spent several minutes trying to get out all to no avail. Climbing up the walls was impossible, they were too smooth and slippery, her Echo device had broken on impact so there was no calling for help, and unfortunately for her she couldn't teleport like Lilith. So she was stuck, and she hated it. The only upside was that the well was dried up. At least she wouldn't drown down here or have to stand in a foot of water until she got out.

On the down side Maya began to realize just how small the well was, only a few feet wide in diameter. It was at this point that the normally rational and calm Maya started to freak out. Why? Well although she would never tell the other Vault Hunters she was quite claustrophobic. She began to panic and fear for the worst. What if no one found her? What if the others didn't come looking? What if they didn't care enough to find her? What if she was going to die down here?

Maya started breathing heavier and it began to feel like the walls were closing in on her. She breathed heavier and faster, it felt like the walls were pressing up against her in all sides. The well just kept getting smaller and smaller. She tried to breath but she couldn't take in any air. Maya fell to the floor, gasping for air but unable to breath. Everything went black.

When Maya woke up it was night, and everything was pitch black. As she remembered her situation she began to gasp for air again. This time however she managed to get a hold of herself before she blacked out again. The darkness helped a little bit. When she couldn't see the walls it was easier to ignore theme. She sat down on the ground, tried to keep her breathing calm, and tried to not think about the hole she was stuck in.

To try and keep herself calm she began to meditate. Something she hadn't done since she left the abbey. At the very least it had been a year since she had meditated. It had always helped to keep her calm. However she had stopped doing it when she got to Pandora because it reminded her to much of the abbey and how they used her. But at that moment even the abbey, the place she hated more than any other, was more than preferable to her current location. She calmed her mind and slowed her breathing.

She stayed like that for several hours, simply trying not to think about the hole she was in. Imagining she was back in the abbey on Athenis, meditating in one of the temples. It was in the middle of her meditation when, off in the distance, she heard a familiar voice calling out. She listened for a few more moments to make sure she wasn't hearing things. She heard it again still off in the distance but getting closer.

"I'm in here!" Maya yelled.

The voice stopped yelling for a few seconds.

Maya wondered if she had been heard. After all it was just as likely that they had gone off to somewhere else as it was that they had found her.

"Maya?" The voice called again.

"Down here!" She responded.

Maya looked up at the top of the well. Suddenly Axton appeared up at the edge of the well and looked down.

"Found you!" He called down.

"Took you long enough. Now please get me out of here before I have another panic attack."

Axton grabbed a rope out of his bag and threw it down to Maya. She grabbed a hold and Axton pulled her out of the well.

"Thanks." She said once she was finally above ground. "It sucked down there."


	20. I Never Wanted To Be A Doctor

Heyo!

Alright, show of hands, who here is familiar with Monty Python?... Like two of you? I should have figured.

Anyway this is a complete rip off of the Monty Python's Lumberjack Song (which I highly recommend you listen too). Because it's a complete rip off of a comedy sketch nothing here is going to make the slightest amount of sense. That, however, does not mean it isn't funny. I hope you enjoy it.

I don't own Borderlands, nor do I own Monty Python.

Enjoy! 

I Never Wanted to Be a Doctor

"Hey Zed!" Axton called out. "Zed you in here?"

"Yeah, yeah. What do ya need?" The doctor said walking in the main room of the clinic.

"Can I buy some shields?"

Zed sighed and pulled out a large box of various shields and showed them to the commando.

"You know I never wanted to be a doctor."

"I thought you weren't." Axton said sarcastically.

"I never wanted to be a doctor, " Zed said, ignoring Axton's comment. "I wanted to be... A BANDIT!"

"Really now?"

"Yes! Fighting across the mighty wasteland of Pandora. The psycho! The marauder! The great towering goliath! Together with my best buddy by my side!"

Zed pulled off his surgical gear to reveal a marauder costume and Claptrap rolled up next to Zed. Meanwhile piano music started to come from nowhere in particular.

"What's going on here?" Axton asked.

Rather than answer, Zed began to sing.

"Oh, I'm bandit and I'm ok. I sleep all night and I kill all day!"

A chorus of bandits showed up next to Zed and joined in.

"He's a bandit and he's ok. He sleeps all night and he works all day!"

"I kill some skags, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have rakkale with my tea!"

"He kills some skags, he eats his lunch he goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has rakkale with his tea!"

"He's a bandit and he's ok, sleeps all night and he kills all day."

"I kill more skags, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars!"

"He kills more skags, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers! He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars?"

The bandits sang the last line in a confused tone before jumping back to the chorus.

"He's a bandit and he's ok. Sleeps all night and he kills all day!"

"I kill people, I wear high heels suspenders and a bra! I wish is been a girly, just like my dear papa!"

"He's kills people, he wears high heels? Suspenders and... A bra?"

The bandits stopped singing and walked away in disgust. Leaving a confused Zed standing there.

"Well that was different..." Axton said.

Credits*********************************

Man Who is Dissatisfied with His Job- Dr. Zed

Patton Forced to Watch the Whole Ordeal- Axton

Bandit Chorus- Captain Flint, Savage Lee, Incinerator Clayton, Assassin Wot, Mike, Krieg, Flesh Stick, Boom, Bewm, Master Gee, Face McShooty, Pyro Pete, and generic psycho #62 

Letter to the Editor*************************

Dear Sir,

I strongly disprove of the sketch you just performed about the bandit who wears women's clothing. Several good friends of mine are bandits and only most of them are transvestites.

Sir John Hammerlock (Mrs.) 

Maya: That's quite enough. This fanfiction has gotten much too silly and far too big of a Monty Python reference. All of you go home.


	21. Finish Him (I Am Not Yet Dead)

Heyo!

Random update time!

This particular fic inspired by a combination of Spamalot (I'm not dead yet) and Mortal Kombat (Finish him). Also there are references to the Elder Scrolls series and MLP. Look, it'll make slightly more sense when you read it.

I don't own Borderlands, Spamalot, MLP, or the Elder Scrolls.

Enjoy!

**Finish Him! (I Am Not Yet Dead)**

"Damn it! I was supposed to be the hero! I was supposed to win! Not you bandit skaglicks!"

The Vault Hunters stood in the Vault of the Warrior gathered around Handsome Jack as he stood there dying and ranting.

"So who's going to finish him? You guys or me?" Lilith asked the others.

The Vault Hunters looked at each other for a few moments before giving their answer.

"He's all yours." Axton replied.

Lilith began to construct a ball of energy with her powers, Handsome Jack looking on in horror. She then released the ball and it hurdled toward Jack to finish him off. It impacted with a blinding light and a sound like thunder.

"That was for Roland asshole." Lilith said as the light faded.

But then to everyone's surprise, including his own, Handsome Jack stood up.

"I'm... I'm not dead!" He screamed. "Suck it Vault Hunters!"

"Oh, we can fix that Jack..." Lilith said. "You guys know what to do?"

"Yep." Axton answered. "Let's do this guys."

Handsome Jack looked as the Vault Hunters seemed to be reading themselves for something.

"What's going on?"

"Oh you'll see..." Axton said. "Ready?"

"Ready!" Replied Gaige now positioned near Jack.

"Hey Handsome Jackass!" She called out.

Jack turned toward the mechromancer.

"What now?"

"Don't mess with the bot sucka!"

Gaige digistructed Deathtrap and the robot slammed Handsome Jack with one of his claws. Jack went airborne and began to fall towards another of the Vault Hunters, Salvador. Salvador pulled out duel Vladdoff mini-guns and blasted Handsome Jack. Before he even hit the ground Jack was back into the air this time hurdling toward Maya and Axton.

Maya phaselocked Jack just before he hit the ground. She pulled out a Maliwan SMG and pointed at his face. Meanwhile Axton deployed his turret.

"Ready?" Axton asked.

"Ready." Maya replied.

The two Vault Hunters then fired at Jack. He screamed in pain at the combined fire from the Siren and Commando. After a few seconds the phaselock ended and the two stopped firing. Jack stumbled to his feet, still not quite dead.

That's when the next Vault Hunter attacked. Zer0 exited deception and slashed Jack across the chest with his katana, then promptly disappeared again, leaving him open for Krieg. The psycho ran screaming towards Jack.

"Strip the flesh! Salt the wound!"

"Fuck..." Jack said just before the psycho impacted.

Krieg brought down his buzzax on Jack's head and then kicked him straight in the chest, knocking him into the ground.

The Vault Hunters gathered around Jack's body. He was lying on the floor of the Vault, bleeding from multiple gunshots and several cuts. Then to everyone's surprise, Jack once again got up.

"How are you not fucking dead!?" Axton asked.

Jack shrugged his shoulders.

"We just performed a freaking Mortal Kombat fatality on you and your not dead!?" Gaige exclaimed.

"Fuck this." Axton said.

He pulled out his rifle and fired straight at Jack.

The others did the same, emptying several clips of ammo into Handsome Jack. By the time they were done Jack's chest was just a bloody mass of bullet holes.

"Is he dead now?" Maya asked.

"I think so... No one could have survived that." Axton answered.

The Vault Hunters were just about to walk away when Jack leapt to his feet.

"I am not dead yet, I can dance and sing. I am not yet dead I can do the Highland Fling. I am not yet dead, no need to go to bed. No need to call the doctor cause I'm not yet dead!"

At this point Handsome Jack began dancing. Also at this point the Vault Hunters decided it wasn't worth it and simply began to walk away.

Although to his credit Axton did fire a few more shots into Jack before giving up.

**Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom**

The sound of laughter filled the room. Two men, or actually one man and one giant sort of dragon looking creature, sat laughing hysterically, watching a screen which had a video of the Vault Hunters and Handsome Jack.

"You are a comic genius my friend." The man said to the creature next to him.

"No, no, no. I can't take all the credit it was your idea in the first place." The creature replied.

The two once again burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"Sheogorath!"

"Discord!"

Both of them stopped laughing immediately.

"Did you hear that?" Sheogorath asked.

Discord gulped and nodded his head.

Two figures burst through the door and into the room.

"Hi Mara." Sheogorath waved.

"Celestia." Discord added.

"You two are in serious trouble." They said in unison.

"But we were just having fun..." Discord protested.

"We have both warned you about messing with other universes!"

"But…"

"Not another word. Now go back to Canterlot before I turn you into stone." Celestia said.

"Yes ma'am." Discord said sulking away.

"Sheogorath!"

"Yes mother?"

"Go back to Oblivion."

"But mother..."

"Now!"

"Yes mother." He said walking out the door.

"Yes should probably fix their meddling with those poor people." Mara said.

"I don't know looks kind of funny."

Mara shot Celestia a disproving look.

"Fine we'll fix it."

**Back on Pandora**

Axton fired one last shot at Handsome Jack, hoping that by some miracle it would kill him.

The shot when straight through his head and Handsome Jack dropped to the ground. But to the surprise of everyone, he didn't get back up.

"Did we get him?!" Gaige asked.

"I think we did it!" Axton answered. "We killed Jack!"

Just then Mordecai and Brick limped into the room.

"Hey slabs. What'd we miss?"  
********************************************


	22. Sick

Heyo!

It's Tuesday, and that means it's update time.

Nothing special about this, just some fluffy family stuff with Axton Maya and Gaige.

Note: I plan on doing a special Halloween update when the time comes for that, also as far as special updates go... I'm getting pretty close to the 25th chapter. So for my 25th chapter the update will be about twice the size of the update thus far (but that's all you're going to hear about it for now).

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Sick**

Axton knocked on the door of Gaige's room. No answer. He knocked again.

"Come in." He heard in a faint voice.

He opened the door and walked in. The room was a controlled mess of robotic parts and a small armory's worth of weapons. Axton looked for the mechromancer but didn't see her.

"Gaige?" He said.

"Over here." She replied.

"Where exactly is here?" He asked, searching for the source of her voice.

"In my bed." Gaige replied.

Axton looked at the mechromancer's bed and saw a lump roughly resembling Gaige under the covers. He walked over and gave the blanket a poke.

"You under there?"

"What do you think?" She asked, pulling back the blanket to reveal her face.

Her hair was an unbrushed mess, her eyes were bloodshot, and she general looked like hell.

"Wow... Gaige you look... awful." Axton said. "What happened?"

"I got sick. Probably from all that time we spent out in Tundra Express yesterday."

There was a brief silence.

"So why are you here?"

"Because we were going to go out to Lynchwood and kill stuff. I wanted to know if you wanted to come with us but..."

"I don't think so. You guys go ahead. I'll stay here."

Axton began to walk away, intent on leaving with the others. But something just didn't seem right about it. They were a team. Someone should be staying with Gaige. Axton glanced back at the mechromancer, she looked pretty bad. He mulled the idea over in his mind for a few moments.

"I'll tell the others to go ahead. I'll stay here with you."

"You don't have too."

"I don't have too. But we're a team and well, someone should be here with you."

"Aww... Thanks Ax."

"No problem. Just sit tight while I tell the others I'm not going."

A few minutes latter Axton returned to the mechromancer's room. He pulled up a chair next to the Gaige's bed and sat down.

"Would you believe I had to convince Maya not stay behind and help me take care of you?"

"I don't doubt it."

"Yeah, she was ready to come in here and breakout her Siren powers. I had to convince her that A, you weren't dying and B, that the others would need her more in case they took a bullet to the knee while they were out in Lynchwood."

Gaige laughed. "Sal is kind of a bullet sponge isn't he?"

"Yeah I guess he is. You'd think that someone that small wouldn't be so easy to hit."

"I'm not gone yet amigos! I can still hear you!" Salvador yelled from down the hall.

Axton and Gaige got quiet for a moment and then burst into laughter. Gaige's laughter quickly turned into coughing and she struggled for air.

"Hey, careful there." Axton said placing a hand on her back. "Don't kill yourself."

Gaige coughed a few more times and then got it under control.

"You alright?" Axton asked.

Gaige gave a thumbs up and another small cough.

"You need some water?"

"Yeah." She said between another set of coughs.

Axton walked out of the room and returned a moment later with a glass. He handed it to Gaige. She took a few sips and handed it back to him.

"Thanks Ax."

"No problem. You need anything else?"

"Nope I think I'm good."

An hour or so later Axton was still sitting beside Gaige. She had fallen asleep awhile ago and he was reading a book to pass the time. He glanced over at Gaige, who was sleeping soundly, cuddling a plushy of Deathtrap (When he had asked her about how she had come into possession of a stuffed Deathtrap the only response was "I know a guy"). Axton noticed a strand of hair in Gaige's face; he reached out a hand and brushed it away.

"Aww so cute."

Axton turned around to face the source of the voice. It was Maya, standing in the doorway.

"I thought you guys were gone."

"We were. But then Sal and Zer0 got shot up. I just dropped them off at Zed's. So I decided to come and see how Gaige was doing."

"She's fine." Axton said. "She's been asleep for awhile now."

Maya nodded and then stood in silence for moment before asking a question.

"Were you ever a dad Axton?"

"What?" The commando asked. Caught off guard.

"Were you ever a dad. It just seems like you know how to take care of kids."

"No, I wasn't a dad. Not that I didn't want to be. But Sarah and I were both in the Dahl military. It just didn't seem like the best idea to have kids."

"Well, you would have been a great dad."

"Thanks." Axton said.

"Can you two stop being so lovey dovey? I'm trying to sleep." Gaige said, eyes still shut.


	23. Asteroid Golf

Heyo!

This is a quick load of nothing that I manage to throw together.

The idea of Mr. Torgue and Handsome Jack going asteroid golfing (exactly as awesome as it sounds) is stolen from the story Wayward Son: The Claptrap Story by thewhitepatch. Which I highly recommend you check out if you've never read it.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Asteroid Golf**

"Handsome Jack! This is MISTER TORGUE!"

Jack picked up his Echo Device.

"What do you want Torgue?"

"I would like to invite you to go golfing with me this Tuesday!"

"Golfing? You of all people golf?"

"Sort of!"

"What do you mean 'sort of'?"

"I go asteroid golfing! Which is EXACTLY AS AWESOME AS IT SOUNDS!"

"Sounds... Sounds kinda fun. I'll be there."

"AWESOME! I'll meet you in orbit!"

**Next Tuesday**

Handsome Jack aimed carefully, picked his target, and fired. A rocket sailed forward and impacted with a large rock, the rock then, propelled by the rockets explosion, flew off into the distance, where it impacted into another larger rock which promptly exploded in a spectacular fashion.

"HOLY F*** THAT WAS AWESOME!"

"Thanks."

It had taken some getting used too but Handsome Jack had gotten the hang of asteroid golf. Which, just as Mister Torgue had claimed, was exactly as awesome as it sounded.

"MY TURN MOTHAF******!"

Mister Torgue walked over to his bag of "clubs" really just a giant arsenal in a comically oversized duffle bag. He pulled out a Jakobs rifle, looked down the sights and then tossed it to the side. Next he pulled out a Tediore launcher but also threw it to the side. It should be noted that true to its brand the launcher promptly exploded when he did so. Next he pulled out a medieval looked battle axe, which he seemed to consider for a few moments before he tossed it. He dug back into the bag.

"FOUND IT!" He exclaimed.

He pulled out of the bag a grenade of some sort.

"Whatcha got there Torgue?" Jack questioned.

"ROLLING THUNDER B*TCH!"

Torgue hurled the grenade, which went quite some distance before impacting an asteroid dead centre. A small explosion followed, which blew the asteroid into several large bits.

"Is that it?" Jack asked, disappointed at the lame explosion.

"WAIT FOR IT."

There were suddenly several dozen larger explosions which blasted every asteroid within its reach into dust.

Handsome Jack stared dumbly at the jaw dropping display.

"BADASS MOTHAF*****. DO YOU SPEAK IT!?"

"Holy skaglick. You obliterated it."

"THIS IS TRUE!"

"Mister Torgue," Handsome Jack said. "I think this the beginning of a beautiful friendship."


	24. Trapped In the Closet

Heyo!

Had time for an update so here it is. As you may notice this is update number twenty-four, meaning the next one is twenty-five and it will be epic (probably, that really a matter of opinion).

This particular fic is a co-write with my very good friend WhimsicalMayhem. (Go check her stuff out. Do it. Like now. I can wait.)

Anyway, a bit of a preview really quick. When we get closer to Halloween I will be posting a special Halloween update, it will be a double feature, something horror story-ish and something fluffy to follow it up with. But that won't be for a few more days.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Trapped In the Closet**

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away...

There was a bitch stuck in a closet. And she was mad as hell.

"Axton this isn't funny! Let me out damn it!"

The sound of laughter was heard from the other side of the door.

"I would strongly disagree, Maya. This is hilarious."

"When I get out of her I will literally kill you. And you Sal. And you Gaige."

"Yeah, 'if' you ever get out."

"Let me out of here dammit!"

"Better idea." He said, "Just sit right there for a minute."

A few minutes later Maya heard noise coming from outside the door. She was about to ask what was going on when she found out first hand. Axton opened the door, but before Maya could react he shoved Krieg through the door and locked it again.

Krieg stumbled into the small room and tripped, falling on top of Maya in the most awkward position possible.

"Krieg." Maya said gasping for air. "You're crushing me."

"Sorry." He said standing up.

Well not really standing up, if he was standing his head and neck would have punched straight through the ceiling.

"Axton this isn't funny! It was already too small in here. And Krieg is huge!"

"I'll bet he is."

"He is! He's freaking enormous!"

Everyone outside laughed and Maya's face turned red as she realized what she just said.

"That's not what I meant!"

"I'm sure it's not." Axton said between laughing.

"Fuck you."

"I thought you normally did that sort of thing with Lilith."

Maya's face got redder.

"I will FUCKING MURDER YOU!"

"Yep. I bet you will. Have fun getting out."

"Axton? AXTON? Don't leave me in here!"

No response.

"Well shit..." Maya turned toward the enormous psycho standing next to here. "Hi. How ya doing?"

"I will destroy the meat popsicles with a vengeance!"

"Great." Maya pounded her head on the wall. "Just great."

Now it is a little known fact that Maya is a little bit claustrophobic. Small spaces just weren't her thing, she felt trapped, uneasy. So being stuck in a small space was bad enough, add to that the giant murderous psycho standing next to her and Maya was more than a little uncomfortable.

She tried to keep her cool, if for no other reason than to keep Krieg from seeing her freak out. But after a few minutes she was struggling, the room felt smaller, the air felt thinner, and she felt like she was going to lose it.

Maya began to breathe heavier. Her lungs gasping for the air that seemed to be quickly escaping from her.

In desperation she tried breaking down the door but even with her powers it was too heavy to move.

The siren's deteriorating psychological state didn't go unnoticed by the resident psycho. However he was at a loss for what was going on or how he could stop it, after all he really was just an organic walking death machine.

"Talk to her." The small voice in the back of his mind said.

Krieg was not really the type to listen to himself, but in this case it seemed like the best course of action.

"Something wrong with pretty lady?" He said.

Maya looked up at him, shaking a bit.

"J-just fine." She stuttered.

"She's lying." The voice said. "Get her to tell you what's wrong."

"Not fine. Something wrong with siren lady."

"I-it's silly really. You see I'm sort of s-scared of small spaces."

"Lady not like closet?"

"No Krieg, I don't like the closet. It's small, and cramped, and I'm pretty sure I'm running out of air."

"Help her." The voice said.

"Ok..." Krieg responded out loud.

"Huh? What did you say?" Maya asked, looking at the psycho.

Krieg reached out and put a hand on Maya's shoulder. She flinched.

"It's ok pretty siren lady."

Maya calmed down just a little bit.

"Break down door?"

"I already tried that. It's too big."

"Much stronger than normal meat puppet."

Krieg walked to right in front of the door, he braced himself, and then ran full force into the door.

The door buckled but didn't open.

Krieg backed up and slammed into the door again. This time the door visibly cracked under the psycho's assault.

He hit the door one more time.

This time the door flew clear off of its hinges and traveled for several feet before landing.

Krieg stepped to the side of the door and gestured for Maya to walk out.

"Siren lady first."

Maya walked toward the door, but instead of exiting right away she threw her arms around Krieg's neck and hugged the psycho. Which, due to height differences, was awkward to say the least. Maya let go and took a step back, a very slight blush on her face.

"Thank you Krieg."

"Siren lady welcome." He said. "Scalp the flesh bags now?"

"Scalp the flesh bags now." She said grinning.

The others were gonna regret this.

**Epilogue**

Axton, Gaige and Salvador lay on the ground, they were collectively a bloody mess. All of them had clothes torn, hair singed, and cuts ranging in severity from paper cuts to "holy crap that needs stitches now" everywhere.

More specifically; Axton was completely covered in slag, Salvador had small patches of corrosive chemicals slowly eating away at him, and Gaige occasionally jolted with a shock of electricity.

Maya and Krieg stood over the barely living Vault Hunters, Maya grinning.

"So..." The siren said. "Was it worth it?"

The Vault Hunters looked at one another for a moment.

"Worth it." Axton said.

"Totally." Gaige added.

"I regret nothing." Salvador finished.

"Well in that case..." Maya tossed something at the others and then walked away, Krieg leaving with her.

Gaige looked at the object which had landed right in front of her.

"It's a grenade." She said.

"Nice knowing guys." Axton said.

"Adiós amigos."

**Authors Note: Boom! Squish! Yay!**


	25. The Search For the Holy Vault Key

Heyo!

This is update number twenty-five! So naturally it's a bit bigger than usual. Like twice as big as any of the other ones.

This took forever to type/edit (like literally months to get it all together).

So here it is, my Borderlands parody of Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail/Spamalot.

I don't own Borderlands or Monty Python or Spamalot or whatever else I ripped off for this.

Enjoy!

**THE SEARCH FOR THE HOLY GRAIL -er VAULT KEY, YEAH LET'S GO WITH THAT**

A parody of Monty Python/Spamalot

Maya, Queen of the Borderlands, was on a mission, a mission of the utmost importance; it was her job to find the Holy Grail- er... Vault Key. But before she could journey into the badlands and find the Holy Vault Key, she had assembled a team of valiant knights- er, Vault Hunters to aid her.

There was Krieg the Wise, whom she had met in Overlook. The rest of the town insisted that a woman named Karima was a witch. Krieg had wisely pointed out that witches float, as do stalkers. Stalkers weigh approximately the same a nomad. Nomads sometimes carry heavy shields made of metal. So, if Karima could survive being thrown in a river with a dead bullying tied to her, she was obviously a witch and should be burned as such. (Needless to say she was in fact a witch.)

In addition to Krieg the Wise there was also; Zer0 the Brave, Axton the Not Quite as Brave as Zer0, Salvador the Dead (who was in fact dead and of little use to the team), and the aptly named Gaige the Not Appearing in this Monty Python Spoof Because Quite Frankly the Author Thinks She's Too Cool For That (there was also Maya's trusty Claptrap unit but no one gave a damn about him). And with that the mighty group of knights- er... Vault Hunters assembled and went forth to search for the Holy Vault Key.

Now one might ask, why did they take it upon themselves to search for the Holy Vault Key? Well it is because they were visited by the Firehawk. You see, just as they had finished killing a large group of bandits the Firehawk appeared to them in the clouds. It went something like this...

"Well that's the last of those bandits." Maya spoke as the others gathered together around her. Then just as she was about to say something else, the earth shook and a mighty voice, which could have split mountains in half, spoke up and deafened the Vault Hunters and struck them dumb with fear.

"'Sup?" The mighty voice called out from the heavens.

The Vault Hunters turned and looking up saw a giant being in the sky, an angelic light shinning from behind. The Vault Hunters kneeled before the mighty being in the sky before them.

"It is you oh great Firehawk. Truly we are unworthy to hear your speech."

"Seriously guys we've talked about this..."

"What is it that you would have us do oh great, powerful, and immortal Firehawk?"

"I mean come on; you guys have met me before..."

"Truly we are unworthy."

"Whatever. I just need you guys to go find the Vault Key for me ok?"

"We shall do your bidding oh great Firehawk."

"Great." The mighty Firehawk said sarcastically and then disappeared in a blast of holy fire.

(Lilith: Seriously?)

(Author: Yes seriously.)

And with that the Vault Hunters went off in search of the Vault Key.

Their search first took them to the Bloodshot Fortress. As they approached a sentry on top of the ramparts addressed the Vault Hunting Knights.

"Who goes there?"

"We are the Vault Hunters, sent by the Firehawk to retrieve the Holy Vault Key. If you will give us food and shelter for the night your leader may join us on our quest." Maya answered.

"I will ask but I don't think he'll be very interested in helping you find the Vault Key. You see he's already got one."

"Already got one?" Asked Axton.

"We'll may we see it?" Maya asked.

"Of course not! You are Vault Hunters, we are Slabs. We will have none of this."

"But this is the Bloodshot stronghold. Besides what are Slabs doing this close to Sanctuary?" Maya asked.

"That is none of your business. Now go away."

"But-"

"I said go away! I fart in your general direction you Vault Hunter skaglicks. All of you smell like rakk and dead psycho. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberry! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time."

"But-"

"That is it! Get the technical!" He said turning around.

"Get the technical?" Maya asked in confusion.

At this moment a bandit technical flew over the rampart walls and smashed Sir Krieg in a comical manner. Also he was dead.

So the Vault Hunters, in their confusion and panic, (not to mention there absurdly pathetic defeat at the hands of the Slabs) ran away, and were separated in a very large, dark, and expensive looking forest.

So we join Sir Zer0 the Brave, who at current is finding his way through the forest.

"This forest is dark/It also looks expensive/Proceed with caution."

(Firehawk: You realize that joke was lost on everyone who's never seen Spamalot right?)

(Author: Shut up Lily.)

Zer0 walked through the forest, on high alert. When suddenly from out of nowhere a grenade flew towards him and landed on the ground next to him. He ran away and hid under a log awaiting the imminent shock wave. When the grenade did not explode as expected, he got up from his cover and searched for its source. Finding nothing, he took a look at the grenade itself. There was a note attached. It read...

"I am being held against my will in the tower at Sawtooth Cauldron. Please help to rescue me."

"Hmm, a fair maiden/One in need of a rescue/I shall take this quest."

Sir Zer0 went off to attempt the rescue of said fair maiden.

Not a moment later Sir Axton the Not Quite as Brave as Sir Zer0, came into the area. He was terrified of the surrounding area. It was dark, and the forest was full of things that wanted him dead.

He moved cautiously, his eyes darting around. That's when he ran into... it.

He was too busy looking around to look where he was going. He bumped into a large object in front of him.

The object, in a mighty voice said, "You Shall Not Pass!"

Sir Axton promptly shat himself and ran away.

Then a few moments later Maya and her trusty Claptrap entered the area.

She saw the object that Axton had run away from, a mighty knight, dressed all in black. She approached the knight and spoke to him.

"Greetings mighty knight, I am Maya, Queen of the Borderlands, and I am on a quest for the Vault Key. Would you join me on this quest?"

The knight stayed silent.

Maya then moved closer to the knight. As she approached, he boomed, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"Pardon?"

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"But I am the Queen! Stand aside or fight!"

The black knight drew his blade, as did Maya.

The swords clashed. The black knight swung, but Maya countered and cut off his arm.

"Ha!" She exclaimed. "I've won!"

"No you haven't!"

"But your arm's gone."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is its right there!" She said pointing.

"'Tis but a scratch. Have at you then!"

He swung wildly with his other arm.

Maya, for her part, simply lopped the thing off.

Maya then kneeled on the ground.

"Oh great Firehawk, thank you for the victory which I have- Ow!"

She turned around to see the knight trying to step on her feet.

"Brave knight you have lost!"

"No I haven't! Let's go at it!"

"You've got no arms!"

"It's just a flesh wound."

He kicked her.

Maya sighed and cut off his left leg.

The knight continued to try and assault her.

"Oh come on!" She exclaimed. "What are you going to do? Bleed on me?!"

"Come on let's go you wimp!"

Maya cut off his remaining leg.

He fell to the ground.

Maya began to walk away.

"Call it a draw then?"

**Meanwhile at the tower in Sawtooth Canyon**, two people, one a young man and the other an old(er) fellow, were in the midst of an intense argument.

"But father," he whined. "I don't want to marry her."

"Tough luck you little orphan."

"But why do I have to marry her father?"

"Because my... Well not son... Because we live in a place surrounded by mountains and lakes, she on the other hand lives in a place with tons of open land. Land that we as a kingdom need! So suck it up and deal with it orphan boy."

"But father... I don't want to marry her. I don't love her."

"What is there not to love? She's intelligent, beautiful, and she has enormous... Tracks of land!"

(Lilith: Is this girl Moxxi?)

(Author: Very funny Lily. I would watch it though, there's still plenty of time to make a joke about "the Firehawk's toasty bosom".)

(Lilith: Point taken.)

"But father..."

"Look, you little orphan, do you see that?" He said pointing towards the window. "Someday all of this will be yours."

"The curtains?"

"No, no. Look beyond the curtains! The kingdom boy! Someday it will be yours! So you had better start acting like a ruler."

"But father..."

"That's enough! I'm leaving now. And you will marry that girl!"

The man walked out of the room.

The younger man sat at the widow and gazed out at the surroundings.

"I don't want to marry her..."

Just then Zer0 burst through the door of the room.

"You've come to rescue me!" The man exclaimed.

"Uhhh..."

"Oh this is wonderful! I'll be free of this tower!"

"Wrong tower, I think/I came for a fair maiden/You are surely not."

"No matter! You've come to rescue me! See you even got my note."

Zer0 looked at the note and then tossed it to the floor.

"I am leaving now/This is far too strange for me/Good luck escaping."

At that moment the older man walked back into the room.

"What in hell are you doing here?"

Zer0 shrugged and pointed to the note. The man picked it up and read it.

"In need of rescue? You dirty, ungrateful, little orphan!"

"Hold on a minute/This boy has done nothing wrong/Do not punish him."

"What's with the haiku?"

"It is how I talk/Is there a problem with it?/Do you not like it?"

"Talk normal lad. I can't understand a damn thing you're saying."

Zer0 sighed.

"Look," he said. "All this boy wants is some love and compassion. He doesn't want to marry some girl that won't give him that. Is that too much for him to ask? A little love and some respect?"

The man stared a moment.

"My god!" He exclaimed. "You're gay!"

"What? No I'm not!"

"That sounded awfully gay to me lad."

"That's because I'm not a lad."

Zer0 pulled of her helmet to reveal long flowing hair and a face that clearly was not that of a man.

"Well this is awkward..."

"Ew... You're not the brave knight I was looking for. Get out." The young man said.

Zer0 face palmed.

"You know what? Fuck all of you. I'm leaving."

And with that Zer0 made her way out of the tower.

"That was weird."

"You're still marrying that girl."

"But father..."

"That's enough orphan boy."

**Back in the Dark and Very Expensive Looking Forest...**

A group of rather annoying, singing Claptraps were following Sir Axton. They were singing the tale of Sir Axton Who Bravely Ran Away. How he would face any danger head on, unconcerned with the risk of death. Whether it be by beheading, or bleeding out, or blunt force trauma, or a sword to the gut, or boiling oil, or being roasted alive, or being impaled. All of which they described in graphic detail.

Sir Axton, it should be noted, shat himself a bit every time they mentioned death. None the less he continued to ride, bravely, and towards what he hoped was not imminent danger.

A few moments after Axton and the roving band of singing Claptraps passed; Maya and her own Claptrap entered the area.

"Well Claptrap..." She said. "We're lost."

"Why don't you ask those guys for directions then?" He said pointing at a very large figure, surrounded by smaller figures.

Maya froze in her place.

The large figure spoke.

"We are the guardians of this forest, the Nomads Who Say... Ni!"

The smaller figures erupted into a brief chorus of "Ni".

Maya leaned towards Claptrap and whispered. "Those are the keepers of the ancient words "ni" the dreaded Nomads Who Say Ni. Few have ever seen them and lived to tell the tale."

"We, the Nomads Who Say Ni, have a quest for you, should you wish to pass through this place."

"What do you wish me to do oh great Nomads Who Say Ni?"

"We want a shrubbery!"

"A shrubbery?"

"Aye! A shrubbery. One that's nice looking, but not too expensive."

"Yes oh Nomads Who Say Ni. We shall return with a shrubbery."

Maya and Claptrap then wandered off to search for the shrubbery.

"So," Maya said "where does one find a shrubbery?"

"Over there." Claptrap said pointing.

In the middle of a clearing was a lone potted shrubbery.

"Works for me." Maya said.

She walked to shrubbery and was just about to pick it up when a voice called out.

"No!"

Maya looked up and saw a psycho standing there just beyond the clearing.

"You cannot take my shrubbery!"

"Why not?"

"Because it is my precious..."

Maya sighed.

"If you want to take my precious then-"

Maya, tired of all this increasingly absurd shit that the forest was throwing her way, shot the psycho right between the eyes.

She then picked up the shrubbery and walked away.

**Zer0 having left the tower of Sawtooth Cauldron**, made her way back to the Dark and Rather Expensive Looking Forest.

By chance as she walked she, quite literally, ran into Axton, who, having rid himself of the Claptraps in a rather violent way, was covered in motor oil and had various springs and gears stuck to him.

The two of them then took it upon themselves to search for Maya.

Maya meanwhile was presenting the shrubbery to the Nomads Who Say Ni.

"Oh Nomads Who Say Ni," she said. "We have brought you a shrubbery."

"Good. However, we are no longer the Nomads Who Say Ni. We are now the Nomads Who Say Ekki-Ekki-Wacka-Hulu-Hala-Ting-Tang-Bbbrikk-Click- Click-That's What She Said."

"Oh great Nomads Who... The Artist Formerly Known As The Nomads Who Say Ni, will you now allow us to pass?"

"No."

"But why not?"

"Because now we demand... A sacrifice!"

"A sacrifice?"

"Yes."

"I call bullshit."

"You dare to use such language in front of us?!"

Maya pulled out an SMG and fired a warning shot over their heads.

"You may pass."

Maya and Claptrap then passed through the forest. Not more than five minutes later they found Zer0 and Axton.

**The Vault Hunters, having now united**, once again began the search for the Vault Key.

As they exited the Dark and Rather Expensive Looking Forest, they came across a rocky landscape with several large outcrops and many caves.

As the Vault Hunters walked through they heard a voice called out.

"Halt!"

Maya pulled out her pistol and pointed it at the source of the voice.

"Say I have to complete a task to pass through here. I dare you mothafucka!"

"Well that was rude. I was merely going to tell you about the Vault Key. But..."

"Hold it. Tell us. We want to know. I'm sorry for threatening you."

A figure emerged from behind a rock.

"Who are you exactly?" Axton asked.

"I go by many names. Some call me the Slayer of the Invincible Terramorphious, others the Great and Powerful Hunter God of Aegris, others still call me Sir Hammerlock, the Bringer of Light and Dart Champion of Eden-5, and some call me Tim."

"So what shall we call you?"

"Tim is fine."

"Oh great and powerful... Tim, where might we find the Holy Vault Key that we seek?"

"Behind that rock." He said pointing.

"Really? That's it?"

"Yep."

"No catch?"

"Well it is guarded by a fearsome protector."

"Where does this protector reside?"

"Right there."

Maya looked but saw nothing resembling a guardian worthy of the Vault Key.

"Is it behind that rabbit?"

"You fool it is the rabbit!"

"Nonsense."

At this moment a badass skag walked up next to the rabbit and roared. The rabbit swallowed him whole.

The Vault Hunters watched in horror and Axton promptly shat himself.

"How do we defeat such a fearsome creature?"

"What about the Holy Hand Grenade?" Claptrap said.

"Ah yes the Holy Hand Grenade of Promethia! If anything could kill such a demon it is surely that. Claptrap get the Holy Hand Grenade!"

Claptrap pulled out a grenade from a storage disk and handed it to Maya.

"How does it work?"

"Shall we consult the Holy Book of the Firehawk?" Axton asked.

"Oh I've got a copy!" Tim said. He cleared his throat. "A reading from Armaments Chapter 47. 'And the Firehawk said unto the great Incinerator Clayton, "Takest this, thy Holy Hand Grenade, and with it blow up those that I find slightly disagreeable. To operate it, first pullest thy holy pin then count to three. Thou shall shalt not count to four, nor shall thou count to two unless thou then proceedest to three. Five is right out. Then thou shalt toss thou Holy Hand Grenade and thine enemy, being naughty in my sight, shalt snuff it." Thus reads the holy book of Armaments. Amen."

(Lilith: I don't remember saying any of that.)

(Author: It was that time that you got drunk and started missing your cult. I'm pretty sure you also slept with Incinerator Clayton and Mad Moxxi that night too.)

"Amen." The Vault Hunters echoed.

Maya then took the grenade and pulled the pin and prepared to throw the grenade.

"One, two, five!"

"Three." Claptrap corrected.

"Right, three!"

She threw the grenade.

It sailed through the air and landed next to the rabbit. It promptly exploded it into tiny bits.

The Vault Hunters ran behind the rock and a moment later pulled out the Vault Key.

"We have done it! Now we only need return to the Firehawk."

**A Brief Returning To the Firehawk Later...**

And so the Vault Hunter Knights (or something like that); Maya Queen of the Borderlands, Sir Zer0 the Brave and Who Is Secretly Not Actually A Sir But Rather A Madam, and Sir Axton He Who Shat His Pants To Victory; stood before the mighty Firehawk in all her Firehawk-ness.

Maya presented the Holy Vault Key to the Firehawk.

"Nice job." The Firehawk said in a voice like thunder. "Now go."

"Oh great Firehawk, how shall we go?"

The Firehawk let out a mighty sigh.

"How many times do I have to tell you guys I'm not your goddess?"

"But you are oh great Firehawk!"

"I am not your god!"

"But you are! And someday we shall all receive our reward in your toasty bosom."

(Lilith: How did I not see that coming?)

"Fine!" She said exasperated. "I am your goddess."

"We knew it oh great Firehawk!"

"Great, now fuck off!"

"...How shall we fuck off?"

"With a fully loaded assault rifle!" She shouted in an annoyed voice.

Then she disappeared in a blast of holy fire.

(Lilith: That was freakin' weird.)

(Author: You're welcome.)

**Credits**

_**Queen of the Borderlands**_**- Maya**

**_Faithful Claptrap Unit_****- Claptrap**

**_Sir Krieg the Wise (And also now dead)_****- Krieg**

**_Sir (Madam) Zer0_****- Zer0**

**_Sir Axton (Who Bravely Ran Away)_****- Axton**

**_French Taunter_****- Rocko**

_**Prince Herbert**_**- That Orphan Boy from the Intro Movie to some of the DLC's (From Now on Let's Just Call Him Toby)**

_**Prince Herbert's Sort of Father**_**- Marcus**

**_The Firehawk_****- Lilith**

_**The Great and Powerful... Tim**_**- Sir Hammerlock**

**Authors Note: I very much hope you enjoyed that. Also you will never get an update that long ever again. Seriously that's ridiculously long for me I don't know how some of you other people do it.**


	26. Slagged (Again)

Heyo!

You remember Slagged right? That one where Maya got slagged and went back to Sanctuary to wash up? And then Zer0 happened to walk in to her room at the exact wrong moment? Well, while I originally did that for WhimsicalMayhem and hated every second of writing it at the time, in retrospect I really like that idea. But I'm not going to abuse Maya again, one because I've abused the shit out of her, and two because I feel Gaige doesn't end up in enough awkward/bad situations.

Awkward situations ho!

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Slagged (Again)**

The Vault Hunters were engaged in a firefight with bandits in Sawtooth Cauldron. Bullets flew past, explosions rocked the ground, and the air was filled with the sounds of battle and the voices of the Vault Hunters and bandits.

Axton popped out from behind cover and fired a few shots from his Dahl issued rifle. He hit a bandit straight in the chest and he dropped to the ground. But more bandits came to take his place. At this rate they'd be overwhelmed in a few minutes. Unless...

"Hey guys!" Axton yelled out. "I got a plan. Maya, Zer0, and Sal, you throw out some slag grenades. Gaige and I will keep their heads down. And Krieg, when I give the signal, light the fuse."

The Vault Hunters did as Axton said, and soon a number of bandits were coated in slag, as was the ground around them. Axton gave Krieg the signal and he threw a stick of dynamite at the bandits. When it blew up it took all the bandits with it. And splashed slag all over the nearest Vault Hunter, which happened to be Gaige.

Her whole front half was covered in slag, mixed with a little bit of bandit remains.

"Friendly fire much?" She asked, wiping the goo off of her eyes.

"Sorry about that." Maya apologized for the group.

"Uh... I bet this stuff will never come out... It's everywhere and- Oh god. It's in my mouth. It's in my mouth you guys."

Axton tried, and failed, to suppress his laughter at the mechromancer's remark.

"You know what Axton? You suck." Gaige said, spitting out some of the slag. "Holy crap that tastes disgusting."

Gaige wiped some more off her face.

"You know what guys? I think I'm gonna go back to Sanctuary and get cleaned up. I'll catch you guys later."

Back in Sanctuary

Gaige scrubbed her hair for what seemed like the hundredth time, although it was probably only about the forty-third time. Gaige had already gone through two and a half bottles of shampoo trying to get the slag out, and it still wasn't working.

"Uh! How did Maya ever get this crap out?"

Gaige sighed. And this was only her hair. Most of her body still had a faint purple glow that would have to come off too.

"I fucking hate slag." She sighed.

Three hours, twelve bottles of shampoo, seven bars of soap, two tubes of toothpaste and an appeal to the gods of cleanliness later, Gaige was finally almost clean. (Seriously does slag ever come out?) She grabbed her towel and stepped out of the shower. She took a look in the mirror and picked out a noticeable clump of slag stuck to her hair.

"I hate this stuff." She said as she threw it out.

Gaige exited the bathroom and walked into her room. Half the room looked exactly like you'd expect of a teenage girl, the other half looked exactly like you'd expect of a mad scientist with a thing for robots. In other words the room just kinda screamed "Gaige lives in here".

Gaige walked to her closet to pick out something to wear, her old clothes having been completely ruined by slag. She opened the closet and then screamed, loudly.

Because, you see, in her closet was something she was not at all expecting, Maya.

"Maya! What the fuck are you doing in my closet?!"

"That is an excellent question."

Gaige slapped Maya across the face.

"Answers bitch. Now."

"Well I was in your room and I heard you getting out of the shower and well I didn't want to scare you."

"Yeah some job you did there. Why were you in my room?"

"Reasons?" The siren answered with a shrug.

"What reason could you possibly have to be in my room while I was taking a shower?" Gaige thought about that question for a second, and then her expression turned to one of outrage.

"You were watching me shower! You perverted bitch!" Gaige accented her accusation with a backhand to Maya's face.

"I-I-I was not."

"You disgust me. Now get out."

"Gaige I can explain."

"Get out." She said pointing to the door.

Maya sulked her way to the door and walked out. Standing outside were Zer0, Lilith, and Axton, who had been watching the scene unfold.

"What are you staring at?" Gaige asked the Vault Hunters outside her door.

"Well we were watching you get angry at Maya... But I think Zer0 and Axton are more interested in you now..."

"What? Why's that?"

"Uhmm... Your towel Gaige..." Lilith pointed at the floor next to the mechromancer.

Gaige then looked down and saw her towel on the ground.

"Shit!"

She ducked into the closet.

"When I get dressed I will murder you guys!"

**Author: What did you ever do to them Gaige?**

**Gaige: The same thing I'm gonna do to you, you bastard.**

**Author: Hey it's not my fault.**

**Gaige: That was totally your fucking fault.**

**Author: Look at it this way, at least you're not Maya.**

**Maya: Hey!**

**Gaige: Hardly consolation.**

**Maya: Seriously I'm right here.**

**Author & Gaige: We know.**

**Author: We just don't give a damn.**


	27. Awkward Situations

Heyo!

Update time.

Uh, one more thing too... Uh, how do I put this? Well, to be blunt I'm going to be taking a break from updates for awhile. I will (maybe) continue to work on some of these but really I don't know. I just wanted to give you guys about a weeks notice. I'll still put up the Halloween updates but after that I plan on taking a few weeks break. At the very, **very**, latest it will last until December 1. But in all likely hood I will start updates again sometime in mid-November. So from October 31 until sometime in mid to late November I will be inactive. If you have questions you can PM me. (I also will answer questions and take requests during my break I just won't be updating). That is all.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Awkward Situations**

Gaige walked down the hallway of the Crimson Raiders HQ. She had been looking for Maya for the past fifteen minutes or so, trying to return a gun she had borrowed. The mechromancer, having not found her in any of her usual spots, decided to check for the resident siren in her room. She walked up to the door and knocked. The door sort of creaked its way open as soon as she did so.

"Hey Maya I..." Gaige trailed off upon looking into the sirens room.

Maya and Lilith were both inside, the two of them engaged in a very deep, very passionate kiss. A moment after Gaige's voice trailed off they broke the kiss and Maya looked towards the door. Her expression turned to one of absolute horror.

"H-hi Gaige." She managed to stutter.

"Were the two of you just...?"

"It's not what it looks like?" Maya offered sheepishly.

"You two were making out... Weren't you?"

"No."

Gaige gave her a look that said "really?".

"Ok we might have been."

"Ohmygod! That's disgusting, kinda hot, but disgusting!"

"I'll take that as a compliment." Lilith said.

"I can't believe it! You two were... You were... Gah! That's just... Ew!"

"It wasn't what it looked like!" Maya tried to defend herself.

"Are you sure? Cause from here it looked like you were trying to aggressively count her teeth with your tongue."

"Felt something like that too..." Lilith said smiling.

"You are not helping!" Maya said pointing at the other siren.

"Just saying."

"I can't believe you two, that was just... Gah! Words cannot describe how much that will scar me."

"Hey, if you thought that was bad you should be glad you didn't walk in ten minutes later then you did. It would've really messed you up then."

Maya's face turned bright red.

"Why? Why would you say that?" She asked Lilith.

"Hey, it's not like it's not the truth."

"But she didn't need to know that."

"Wait so you two were gonna... Ohmygodwhatiswrongwithyou?! That's just disgusting. I didn't need to know that."

"Sorry, just thought you should know it could've been worse."

"So the way you let me know that is by giving me details about your guys sex life?!"

"I didn't really give you details... But if you'd like details if be more than happy to-"

"That's enough!" Maya interrupted. "Stop talking about it. Can't we all just pretend this didn't happen?"

"Pretend it didn't happen? I will never be able to unsee that!"

"So that's a no?"

"Yes that's a freaking no! I am scared for life because you couldn't lock a door!"

"Well... You didn't have to just come in the room!"

"The door opened itself! Do you think I wanted to see that?!"

"Yes." Lilith answered.

Both Maya and Gaige gave her a look.

"What?" She said. "I'd wanna see it if I were her."

"You have issues... Lots of issues..." Maya said.

"Eh." She said with a shrug.

"I'm just gonna go and try to forget about all of this now..." Gaige said turning around and walking towards the door.

"Hold on a second." Lilith said. She walked toward the mechromancer.

"What do you-"

Gaige was cut short when Lilith grabbed a hold of her and forced her lips onto Gaige. She broke away after a moment. Gaige and Maya stood in shocked silence.

Lilith just smiled.

"What the hell was that?!" The shocked mechromancer yelled.

"I dunno. It just felt right."

"I'm going now." Gaige turned around and moved toward the door.

Lilith put a hand on the back of Gaige's neck, her tattoos lit up, and there was a quick pulse of energy. Gaige slumped to the ground.

"Did you just knock her out?"

"Yep."

"How does that solve our problem?"

"When she wakes up she won't remember the last five minutes or so."

"I guess that works."

"Yep. Now help me get her into her room. It won't exactly solve the problem if she wakes up in your room."

The two lifted the unconscious mechromancer and carried her to her room. They then shut the door and walked back to Maya's room.

"So tell me." Maya said as the two entered her room. "Why did you kiss Gaige.?"

"Comparison."

"Really now? And how exactly do I compare?"

"Way better."

The two locked in embrace and their lips met. When they broke the kiss Maya turned her head towards the door to make sure it was shut.

What she saw was Axton looking at the two of them, dumbstruck look on his face.

"And here we go again..." Maya said under her breath.

**Authors Note: And this is why I should not be permitted to have an internet connection.**


	28. Love on Pandora

Heyo!

I decided that you guys deserve at least one update before my Halloween special, so here it is.

A quick note, the reference to the Vault Hunter's playing strip poker is a reference to my good friend WhimsicalMayhems fic "Strip Poker" (go check it out, it'll make more sense if you read it).

I don't own Borderlands. (As you should know by now)

Enjoy!

**Love on Pandora**

Gaige walked down the hall of Crimson Raider HQ. She was looking for a certain commando, who she needed to talk too. She came to the door to his room and knocked.

"Come in." The reply came.

Gaige opened up the door and walked in. Axton was sitting at a table with a rifle on it, apparently working on the gun. Gaige shut the door behind her and stood against the wall.

"What's up Gaige?" The commando asked.

"Well I uh... I have a question."

"Alright, shoot."

"Hypothetically speaking, would it be weird for me to ask one of the other Vault Hunters on a date?"

The commando grinned.

"So, you like one of your teammates do ya?"

"I never said that..."

"It was implied. Strongly."

"Ok, maybe it was."

"Who exactly are we talking about?"

"I'd rather not say..."

"Why not?"

"Well because... I just... I don't know..."

"Fine. Is it Zer0?"

"No."

"Sal?"

"No."

"Is it me?"

"You wish."

"Ouch..." He said sarcastically. "Your words they wound me so."

"Very funny Ax."

"We'll then... Is it Krieg?"

"No."

"Brick?"

"No."

"Why not? He seems like your type. Loud, explosive, always eager to destroy things."

"Because no."

"Mordecai?"

"No."

"We'll that eliminates all of the guys so you're obviously a closet lesbian..."

"Hey!"

"Well it sure sounds like it."

"I could be bisexual."

"Could be. But I wouldn't put money on it."

Gaige sort of growled at him.

"Whatever. Is it Lilith?"

"Ew. No. She's like forty."

"Pretty sure she's only about half that, but whatever. In that case, seeing as you've denied everything else it must be Maya."

"Maybe..." She said sheepishly.

"And we have a winner."

"I never said that."

"Whatever, so why exactly do you like this "mystery Vault Hunter" who's probably a blue haired siren."

"I dunno." Gaige said walking towards the commando. "There's just something about her. Maya just seems really cool."

"Did you really just use the words 'Maya' and 'cool' in the same sentence?"

Gaige sat down in a chair next to Axton.

"She is cool though. Think about it. She's got that short dyed hair, she's got tattoos over half of her boy, she's totally punk."

"Alright I guess I'll give you that much. Why exactly are you suddenly interested in her though?"

"Well, the other day Maya and I were out clearing a bandit camp, which turned out to be more like a bandit city really..."

"Was that the same day that you and Maya walked in on the rest of us playing strip pok-"

"Stop! I'm still trying to unsee that... But yeah it was that day. Anyway, while we were clearing it, there was this one moment were a psycho had me cornered, my gun was empty and I thought I was as good as dead. But then Maya came out of nowhere and killed the psycho before it got to me. Then something just sorta clicked and I realized just how awesome Maya is and well it kinda snowballed from there and now here I am. Asking you for advice on how to ask a siren out on a date."

"Well Gaige, I don't think that there's really any advice I can give you other than to tell her what you just told me."

"But what if-"

Gaige was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Come in." Axton said.

The door opened and Maya walked in.

"Thanks for letting me borrow that pistol Axton."

She tossed a Jackobs revolver to the commando. He caught it and placed it on the table.

"No problem."

"Alright, see you two later." She said turning around.

"Hold up a second." Axton said.

Maya turned back towards the commando.

"I uh, think Gaige had something that she wanted to ask you."

"Axton what are you doing?" She asked under her breath.

"Helping." He replied.

"What is it Gaige?" The siren asked.

"Well I uh..."

"Come on Gaige just tell her what you told me."

"Well I uh..." The mechromancer took and deep breath. "Ok. Maya, you're like really, really awesome, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like too..."

"I'd love to go on a date with you Gaige."

The mechromancer stared at the siren, dumbstruck.

"How did you know I was gonna asked that?"

"You left your Echo-Device on. I overheard you and Axton talking on the Echo. That's why I came up here."

"My Echo-Device is on?" She said.

It took a moment to register.

"Shit!" She said. "Everyone heard that conversation." She grabbed the device and fumbled around with it, trying to get it to stop broadcasting. She flipped the switch to turn it off and set it down on the table.

"Fuck my life..."

"Hey look on the bright side." Axton said. "She said yes."

Just then a voice came over the Echo.

"Just for the record Gaige, I'm only 29. Not 40."

Gaige facepalmed and the other two laughed.

"Oh come on Gaige." Maya said once her laughter was under control. "At least you got me."

"Yep, and the eternal wrath of Lilith." Axton added.

**Authors Note: Lilith's age, one of the many mysteries of the universe. And like life, the universe, and everything, the answer is 42. (Just kidding, but some of you are happy that I just made that reference)**


	29. Nightmare On Pandora

Heyo!

This is my special Halloween update, part I.

I do hope that I manage to frighten you at least once within my writing. After all, that's the whole point.

**Authors Note: If you can successfully identify all of the horror story references I made, I will take a story request from you. Just PM me with what you think are all of the references, first to get them all wins. Good luck.**

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Nightmare On Pandora**

Some words should be left unsaid. Some things should be left undone. Some place should be left unexplored. But those things are not always left the way they should be. Sometimes human curiosity gets the better of us. Sometimes in our search for answers we unintentionally complicate things. We accidentally awaken great evils, things go beyond our meager control, and forces that should not be free become emancipated from their bondage. So we join some of our famed Vault Hunters, the commando Axton, the siren Maya, and the mechromancer Gaige, who are unknowingly in a place of great evil, and who are unknowingly about to awaken that great evil. Their lives will never be the same after tonight, for they are about to take a turn. A turn, into the Twilight Zone...

The Vault Hunters stood outside the entrance to the Happy Pig Motel, the place was completely deserted, that is unless you counted the corpses near the entrance.

"So," Gaige said. "Remind me why we're here again?"

"Because," Maya answered. "Sal is giving us $10,000 to stay the night here 'cause it's supposedly haunted."

"Well that's good enough for me." Axton said, walking towards the door. "You guys coming?" He asked, looking back at the others.

"Yeah, wait up." Maya said.

"I uh..." Gaige started.

"Oh come on Gaige, you scared?"

"No... I just forgot something and..."

"She's scared." Axton said turning to Maya.

"I am not!"

"Then prove it."

"Fine!" Gaige walked towards the entrance of the motel.

The three Vault Hunters entered the old building, careful to avoid the blood and skeletal remains of the previous inhabitants. They looked at the door immediately inside the entrance; there was a large padlock on the door.

"Well looks like we can't get in, oh well." Gaige said walking away.

"Hold it." Axton said grabbing the back of her hoodie. "Maya can you get the open?"

"As good as done."

She reached out and placed her tattooed arm on the lock. Her tattoos glowed, there was a pulse of energy and the lock fell to the ground.

"I love my powers."

She pulled the door open and gestured to the others to walk in.

Gaige was the first through the door, as soon as she saw the room her jaw dropped.

The room was amazingly big, especially considering how small the outside was. Gaige figured it must have been built into the side of the mountain or partly underground. There was a large cleared area of floor, a large staircase towards the far edge of the room, a bar, which looked to still be stocked, opposite the door that Gaige had walked in, a reception desk next to the staircase, and a lounge near the bar. The whole place was oddly absent of blood or corpses, or even the layer of dirt and dust that seemed to coat everything on Pandora. In fact it looked like it could put the grandest hotel on Eden-5 to shame, it was ridiculously out of place in the Pandoran wastelands and Gaige couldn't help but wonder how or why it was here.

Axton and Maya followed inside and were immediately amazed by the room.

"Holy skags. This place is amazing." Axton said. "No wonder it was locked."

"How does this even exist out here?" Maya asked.

"I don't know that. But I do know I'm gonna have a good time." Axton said.

"Same." Maya said.

The first thing the Vault Hunters did was to check out the rest of the Happy Pig. They wanted to find the best place to sleep for the night, and it didn't take long to find three rooms right next to each other.

Each room was just as amazing as the entrance had been. Large beds, well furnished, private bathroom, in short nothing that you'd expect to find on Pandora.

So the Vault Hunters returned to the front room and took a look at the bar. It was fully stocked with anything and everything that they could have possibly wanted. They helped themselves and it wasn't long until they could no longer be considered sober, even by the loosest possible definition of the term.

"You know," Gaige said. "I have to admit, this place is pretty cool."

A couple of drinks had done more than enough to get the mechromancer to warm up to the place and forget about all of the reservations that she had had about spending the night.

"I know. This place is awesome! We should come here more often." Axton said.

"I'm just mad that we didn't find this place sooner." Maya said, bottle of rakkale still in hand.

There was a brief pause in the conversation.

"Well, I think I'm going to bed." Axton said. "Maya, you wanna come with?"

"I'm not drunk enough for that." She took another sip of rakkale. "Now I'm drunk enough for that."

The two stumbled their way up the stairs and into Axton's room.

Gaige, decided that she should probably go up to bed too. So she got up out of her chair and stumbled her way across the room and up the stairs. She got to her room with no small amount of effort and then stumbled inside.

She kicked her shoes off into a corner and sat down on the bed.

"Not a bad place," she said. "Not bad at all."

"Are you so sure about that?"

Gaige spun around at the sound of the voice. She saw nothing else in the room with her.

A chill went down Gaige's spine.

"It was probably nothing." She thought out loud. "Just your mind playing tricks on you."

Gaige laid down in bed and shut her eyes trying to get some sleep, and ignore the fact that she was sure she had heard another voice.

Gaige awoke a couple of hours later to the sound of a blood curdling scream. Gaige bolted up in bed and scanned the darkness of the room for its source. She quickly realized that it was not coming from anywhere inside her room, but rather the room next to hers; Axton's.

Gaige got out of bed, found her shoes and slipped them on and then cracked open the door and peered into the hallway. There was nothing there.

She grabbed her shotgun and, gripping it tightly, made her way to Axton's room. She knocked on the door. No response.

She knocked again, louder. Still nothing.

Gaige, knowing she'd regret the decision, slowly opened the door to Axton's room.

"Are you guys ok? I heard someone scream."

The only response was a soft sobbing noise.

Gaige opened the door a little further, and the light from the hall illuminated someone, Maya, sitting a chair and sobbing.

"Maya? Are you ok?" She asked.

Maya looked up; her eyes tear stained, and looked at Gaige. She felt a chill go down her spine as her eyes made contact. Maya looked away and pointed to a dark part of the room. Gaige opened the door further and the light from the hall dimly illuminated it with a pale, unearthly glow. She followed the direction of Maya's pointing finger and her gaze came to rest on a grisly sight. Axton, covered in blood, lying on the floor of the room.

"Oh my god..."

Gaige ran towards the commando and kneeled beside him; she grabbed his arm and checked for a pulse. The second her hand made contact with his wrist; his hand grabbed a hold of her arm and pulled her to the ground.

Gaige screamed as she struggled with the reanimated Vault Hunter. Just as she thought there was nothing left but resign herself to fate; Axton began laughing, as did Maya.

Gaige got angry really quickly.

"What. The. Fuck!?"

She got up from the floor, slapped Axton across the face and stormed out.

Gaige returned to her room, kicked off her shoes again (albeit with considerably more force) and went back to bed.

A few minutes later, while still lying awake, she heard another scream.

"That's fucking hilarious!" She screamed sarcastically.

A few moments later Gaige heard a frantic knock at her door, before she could tell them to "fuck off" the door flew open. Maya stood in the doorway tears streaming down her face.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Axton's dead."

"Where have I heard that one before?" She asked sarcastically.

"He's really dead Gaige. Just please believe me."

"Fine." She said getting up. "I'll humor you guys but the second you pull something you get a face full of Deathtrap."

Gaige followed Maya back to Axton's room, the door was wide open. Maya pointed at the doorway and stood to the side. Gaige, still anticipating a trick, cautiously looked inside. What she saw made her sick to her stomach.

Axton was inside, lying on the floor in a pool of blood. His front gutted open and his insides exposed.

"Oh my god... W-what happened?"

"I don't know. One minute he was sitting on the bed with me the next he was in the air screaming. He just sorta turned inside out."

"That's... God that's awful... We... We gotta get help."

"Yeah good idea."

The two Vault Hunters made their way to the main room and then headed for the exit. However, upon reaching the door Maya found that it wouldn't open.

"Shit." She said.

"We're stuck in here with Axton's corpse aren't we." Gaige asked.

"Yeah. And whatever it was that killed him."

That was a sobering thought for both Vault Hunters. Whatever it was had managed to kill a heavily armed, well trained, former Dahl military commando, without so much as touching him, was still in there with them.

"What are we gonna do?" Gaige asked.

"Barricade ourselves in your room?"

"Good plan. Let's go."

The Vault Hunters walked back to Gaige's room. When they reached it they shut the door and locked it.

Gaige sat on her bed, Maya in a chair near the end of the bed.

Neither of them was quite willing to go to sleep on account of the dead body next door and the murderer somewhere in there with them.

So, Gaige in an effort to get them both to calm down, digistructed Deathtrap and ordered him to stand guard.

While still not exactly exited about their situation, both Vault Hunters eventually managed to fall asleep.

A few minutes after they fell asleep, Deathtrap detected a presence in the room. His monitor lit up and he went into guard mode, Deathtrap was ready to blare an alarm and alert the Vault Hunters, when, he suddenly shorted out. A moment later he lit back up, but the usual red glow of his monitor was replaced by an ominous black light.

Deathtrap floated to the wall opposite Gaige's bed and his laser activated. He carved a word into the wall and then in an ominous, low, robotic voice he began to chant that single word, "redrum". His chanting increased slowly in volume until he boomed it in his digital voice.

Both Gaige and Maya were shocked awake by the noise. Deathtrap's monitor immediately switched back to the default red.

"What the hell was that?" Gaige asked.

"I don't know." Maya answered.

"Well maybe... Maya what are you staring at?"

Maya stared continued to stare at something off to Gaige's left. Gaige followed her gaze and saw a mirror, in it was the word Deathtrap had carved into the wall "redrum". But reflected in the mirror it spelled "murder".

Gaige turned around.

"We gotta get out of here." She said.

"But the door won't open."

"I don't care; we're getting the hell out of here."

Gaige got up and walked to the door, Maya close behind. They made their way into the hall and started towards the stairs. As they passed Axton's room Maya happened to glance in.

"Gaige." She said. "Axton's not in his room anymore."

Gaige froze in her tracks.

"He's what?"

"He's not where we left him, he's gone."

"I think I found him." Gaige said.

"Where?"

"Over there." She said pointing down the hallway.

At the end of the hall was Axton, still gutted open and covered in blood, standing up and making a groaning noise.

"Oh. My. God." Gaige said.

Axton grinned menacingly, then broke out into a sprint towards the other Vault Hunters. Gaige and Maya turned around and both ran away. They ran as fast as they could down the hallway, but Axton always seemed to be gaining ground.

Sensing that they were going to get caught sooner or later, Gaige opened up a door and ran inside, Maya close behind. As soon as they were both in the room Gaige shut it and locked the door.

Not a moment later there was a pounding on the door which shook the entire door frame.

A loud distorted voice that sounded like Axton's spoke.

"Oh Vault Hunters, come out to play!" It said, Axton still pounding on the door.

"Let me in. Or I'll huff! And I'll puff! And I'll blow the goddamned door down!" It continued.

There was a pause in the pounding.

"Do you think he's gone?" Gaige whispered.

The door exploded of its frame, and Axton stood there, a menacing flesh rotten smile on his face.

"Here's Johnny!" He yelled.

Gaige screamed.

Maya phaselocked him and the two Vault Hunter ran past while he was suspended.

They ran as fast and as far as they could down the seemingly never ending corridor that they were in.

But there was an ending, as the Vault Hunters were about to find out. Gaige and Maya stopped as they came in front of two large elevators. One of the doors opened, and a river of blood flowed out of the elevator, covering both of them in its disgusting flow. They fought to stay standing and to not get washed underneath the crimson river. The current, none the less, picked them up carried them down the hall, back to the great room and down the staircase. At this point the river emptied out into a number of newly opened holes in the ground of the grand room.

Maya and Gaige stood up, still shaken from the ordeal.

Then, before they could recover, the ground began to shake, plaster fell from the ceiling, furniture toppled, and the ground opened up.

The opening in the floor led to a pit of fire and up from it rose a giant creature, many times larger than both the Warrior and the Destroyer.

It had a face that looked to be covered in thresher tentacles, its jaws opened like that of a skag, it had a generally human shape to its body and on its back were two great leathery rakk wings.

Maya and Gaige stared in horror and amazement at the enormous beast. Then survival instinct kicked in.

They made a break for the door, running past the creature towards the exit. By some miracle the door was open and the two bolted out of the door. First Gaige then Maya. But as Maya tried to leave she was pulled back. Axton stood behind, grabbing her and refusing to let go.

"Maya!" Gaige screamed.

"Go damn it!" Maya yelled. "I'll buy you some time!"

"But-"

"Go!"

Maya was then pulled back into the room and Gaige bolted for the door.

She ran out of the Happy Pig Motel and to the Fast Travel outside it. She was about to pull it up when she notice a note on it. It read;

"Deactivated Fast Travel to make sure you didn't skip out on the bet. Sal."

"Goddamn it Sal. You fucked us all!" Gaige screamed.

There was a loud rumbling from inside the Happy Pig and Gaige decided that it was time to get the hell out of Dodge.

She made a break for Doc Mercy's old lair, hoping that the demon hellspawn that she just encountered wouldn't be able to find her there. As she ran, swarms of rakk descended on her, tearing and biting her skin. Gaige did her best to ignore them and continued toward Doc Mercy's lair. She reached the cave entrance and ran inside, the rakk swarm didn't follow her inside but that didn't mean that she was alone or that she was safe.

As soon she entered she was met by a swarm of flesh rotten psychos. They broke out into a sprint like men possessed, which, Gaige figured, they probably were. Gaige, having nowhere else to run and being stuck between a rock and a zombie horde, pulled out her shotgun and prepared herself for the fight of her life.

She loaded the shotgun up and screamed.

"Come at me you undead motherfuckas!"

The horde rushed her, and Gaige fired...

So there you have it. The end of our tale about the courageous Vault Hunters. As it turns out not all locks are built with a key in mind, and not every door was built to be opened. Some locks are not built with the goal of keeping things out, but rather to keep things locked inside. A metaphorical Pandora's box if you will. Meant to keep all of the evil of the world inside. Things like, the Twilight Zone...

**Reminder: If you can successfully identify all of the horror story references I made, I will take a story request from you (which I will actually write and not put off).**


	30. Horror Stories

Heyo!

This is my special Halloween update, part II.

I couldn't just leave you with Axton getting brutally murdered, Maya getting sacrificed, and Gaige becoming zombie feed, so this is basically the chaser for what I hoped terrified you. (Note: The two stories are completely unrelated except for the fact that their both Halloween updates).

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Horror Movies**  
************************************************

"Why did I ever think that was a good idea?" Gaige thought to herself. Tonight had been a night of sheer terror and pure horror and now she regretted every second of it. Never again would she watch a scary movie

In her defense it had seemed like a good idea at the time, watching scary movies with the others. Axton and Salvador were the ones that had that brilliant idea, she had just gone along with it and now she was paying for it.

Every shadow looked to her like a demon ready to strike or a horrifying creature ready to pounce, the softest noise was the sound of the waking undead, the slightest movement was a disembodied hand reaching for her, the most subtle feeling was a malevolent spirit watching her and waiting for a chance to steal her soul. In short, Gaige was terrified at the moment.

She huddled in fear under the blankets on her bed, willing herself to be invisible so as not to draw the attention of whatever she imagined was lurking inside the confines of her room. She pulled close her stuffed Deathtrap plushy, thinking that it could protect her from whatever demon spawn it was that tormented her thoughts. She lay there hoping for the bliss of sleep or the relief of morning, either of which would end her fearfulness and put her at ease, but neither of which would come.

Gaige thought she heard something in the hall outside her door. She dismissed it, "probably just your mind playing tricks on you" she told herself. But then the noise came again, Gaige shuddered under her blanket. That definitely was not her imagination. Something was out there, and it was after her.

Gaige pulled her stuffed Deathtrap closer, telling herself that it would protect her in case of danger.

A noise came again, louder this time. Her door handle moved, slowly turning until it clicked open. Gaige watched in wide horror as the door slowly opened. Unable to scream, unable to move, frozen with terror.

The door creaked open, and the pale light of the hall silhouetted a tall figure.

Gaige tried to scream for help but words would not form. She lay there, frozen to her spot with sheer terror.

The figured closed the door then walked toward her, slowly, deliberately, with the purpose of devouring Gaige's soul.

The dark figure stood directly next to Gaige's bed and leaned over the frightened occupant.

"Gaige are you still awake?" It asked in as familiar voice.

"Maya is that you?"

"Yeah. I saw how scared you were while we were watching the movie so I decided to see if you were ok. Are you ok?"

"Of course I'm ok. I'm a total badass. Movies don't scare me."

"Alright then I'll just go back to my room then."

"Wait." Gaige called out. "Could you maybe please sleep here?"

Maya smiled.

"Of course Gaige."

Gaige scooted over in her bed and made room for the siren. Maya laid down next to her. Gaige sort of cuddled up with Maya.

"Not scared huh?" Maya asked when she felt the mechromancer pull her tight.

"Not anymore." She answered.  
************************************************

**Authors Note: The cuteness is real**


	31. I Can't Explain

Heyo!

Sort of a special update since I said I was going on hiatus for November, but after this don't expect anything for a least a couple of weeks.

Anyway a quick update on yesterdays Halloween update. Firstly the person who got the most references was Civilized Lee. The total number of horror story/movie references was five, and they were...

The Shinning (Redrum, the river of blood, the hotel itself, and "Here's Johnny")

The Twilight Zone (The opening and closing monologs)

The House on Haunted Hill (The $10,000 dollar bet)

The Cthulu Mythos (The giant demon creature that appeared)

The Birds (The rakk attacking Gaige)

Also not in the official count was Axton's death which was a Nightmare on Elm Street reference.

So congrats to Civilized Lee for getting four out of six.

Well... That's all I got, so here's the update.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**I Can't Explain**

Maya sat alone in a low lit room. The atmosphere was cool and calm, quiet too, but Maya wasn't paying attention to the stillness of the room, or the calming effect. She was too absorbed in her own thoughts too even notice. She sighed under her breath. She felt... Lonely. She was her by herself. The room was empty except for her and the chair she was sitting in.

Then she heard a slight noise in the far corner. She looked up and saw a tall silhouette, Zer0.

The siren smiled. Maybe she wasn't so alone right now after all. The assassin moved towards her, gliding across the floor with steady, measured, steps. He came up to only a foot or so away from her. Suddenly he grabbed a hold of her leaned in and then...

Maya's alarm clock went off.

The Siren groaned at the interruption. She put a hand on the alarm and used her phaselock to disintegrate it. She sat up and blinked her eyes a few times to adjust to the light.

She sighed. This wasn't the first time she had had that dream. It also wasn't the first time her alarm had ruined it for her (although it would definitely be the last).

She stood up, stretched a bit, and then went to go find the other Vault Hunters.

She found Axton, always the first one awake in the morning, sitting in the HQ's main room.

"Good morning."

Maya sort of growled at him.

"Sorry." He said. "Why exactly are you in such a pleasant mood this fine morning?" He said with as much sarcasm as he could muster.

"Reasons." She answered.

"What sort of reasons?"

"The reason kind."

"Thank you for being oh so specific."

"You're welcome."

The siren walked out of the room and onto the balcony. She leaned forward onto the balcony overlooking Sanctuary and sighed.

"Seriously what's wrong?" Axton asked.

Maya turned around and saw the commando standing in the doorway, a concerned look on his face.

She turned back around.

"I just... Something's bothering me. Can I leave it at that?"

"No." He said.

"Fine... But you have to swear, on your life, that you will never tell anyone about this."

"I swear." Axton said. "Now, what's up?"

"I keep having this dream..."

"Go on." The commando said.

"Well, I'm alone in a room feeling sort of lonely. And then Zer0 shows up and..."

"And?" Axton asked, eyebrow raised.

"Well he sorta grabs me and leans closer and then... Well that's usually when my alarm goes off."

"I see. And this bothers you why?"

"Because... I don't know... It's not like I don't like Zer0..."

"Why don't you tell Zer0 then?"

"Because... Because... I don't like rejection..."

"You don't know that he'd do that. And you'll never know unless you ask."

"I don't know..."

"Maya. You are one of the most powerful warriors ever, you're one of six sirens in the whole universe, you're literally a goddess to some people, you helped to free Pandora from Jack, and you look amazing. Do you honestly think any man could possibly, in their right mind, say no to that?"

"Well..."

"Maya. Stop being nervous. You're a siren warrior telling an assassin, who you know rather well, how you feel about him, not a geeky school girl trying to ask out the hottest guy she knows."

"I... Wow... I guess you're right Axton..."

"Your welcome."

The siren turned around and gripped the commando in a brief hug.

"Thanks." She said walking away.

When she was out of sight Axton turned around and looked out over Sanctuary and sighed.

"Maybe someday..." He said. "Maybe someday."

**Fin**

Note: Remember, while I won't be updating during the next few weeks, I will still respond to messages and whatnot.

Goodbye for now.


End file.
